4113 - Saturday jokes

My wife recently gave birth to our first child. After birth I asked the doctor when could we have sex.
He said that his shift ends in 30 minutes.


City officials required all their male employees to socialize with male coworkers after work once a week.
They issued a government mandate.


With all this talk of adding Puerto Rico as the 51st state I feel like our new goal number should be 53 states.
"One nation, indivisable."


"A B C D E F G H I J K phosphorous Q R S T U V W X Y Z"
"Why did you say phosphorous?"
"Because it's el-em-ent-al P."


Canada's starting a space program to send a spaceship to the moon.
They're calling the spaceship Apollo-G.


As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn’t* something trying to kill you...
“School” is my answer.


Wife: You’re shirtless?
Me: Yes
Wife: And also covered in ... oil?
Me: Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
Wife: Listen! You never listen!
Me: Ohh


I was going to post a time traveling joke.
But you guys didn’t like it.


When I die, I want all my exes to carry my coffin to the grave.
So that they can all let me down one last time.


An old lady walks into the doctors office.
She said, "Doctor, I fart constantly, but they are always silent, and never smell. In fact, I've farted 8 times since you walked in this room!"
The doctor gave her a prescription and told her to come back in 2 weeks.
2 weeks later she comes in and when the doctor arrives in the exam room she says, "Doctor! I don't know what the hell you gave me, but I'm still farting all the time...they are still silent, but now they smell terrible!"
The doctor said, "Great! Now that we cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."


Client: "How much to buy a singing ensemble?"
Producer: "You mean a choir?"
Client: "Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?"