4183 - Saturday jokes

When you’ve got a bladder infection...
You know urine trouble.


I asked my wife to dress up as my favorite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun.
I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,
"My dear, Jabba the Hutt is not my favorite Star Wars character", I exclaimed.
"F**k off", she shouted, "I haven't gotten dressed yet".


A Jamaican fireman came home from work, one day and said to his wife, "Y'know sumptin womon, we have a wonderful new system at de fire station.
Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole. Bell 3 rings - we jump on de ingine and we's ready to go.
From now on womon, when I say, 'Bell one' I want you to strip naked. When I say, 'Bell two' you jump on de bed. When I say, 'Bell three' we's gonna mek love all tru de night girl."
The next night, he came home and shouted, "Bell One" and the wife stripped naked! "Bell Two" and she jumped on the bed! "Bell Three" and they started to make love!
After a few minutes, the wife yelled out, "Bell Four !!!!"
"WOMON ... What de hell is 'Bell Four'?" he asked.
She replied, "Roll out more hose, mon, you ain't nowhere near de fire!"


Never drink and drive,
You won’t have enough hands free to answer your phone if someone calls you.


What's the difference between a hooker and a lawyer?
A hooker will usually stop screwing you once you're dead.


After getting acupuncture, my chronic muscle pain is completely gone.
The pin really is mightier than the sore.


My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...


I’m on a whiskey diet.
I’ve already lost three days.


I called my doctor because I had an erection that lasted for more than four hours.
I said, “Help! I’ve gotten up & I can’t get down!”