4219 - Saturday jokes

My new girlfriend is so needy...
She keeps making demands like, "Untie me! Tell me who you are!"


Two good friends go golfing
Two good friends go golfing and they come up on two women who are moving like molasses. One guy says that he'll go up and ask if they can play through. When he's half way to the women, he freezes, turns around and comes back pretty pale. "Sorry man, I can't do it! One's my wife and the other my mistress!"
The other guy says he'll ask instead. Halfway to the women he suddenly stops turns around and comes back shaking his head. "Small world bro!"


My friend said to me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?” I said, “Go on, then.” He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
I said, “That’s Superman.”
He said, “Thanks man, I’ve been practicing a lot.”


My local library refuses to stock how-to books about suicide.
They used to, but the decent ones were never returned.


A boy is watching TV with his father when a sex scene comes on.
"Well son, time for bed," the father says. "But dad, I'm 16 now!" the son complains.
The father replies, "I don't care how old you are, you're not watching me masturbate."


Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82.
Apparenetly I'm easily lead.


Jesus saw a crying old man while walking in a desert.
He came closer and asked what problem is.
Old man: I’m looking for my son, but I’m gonna lose my hope.
Jesus pitied the man and said, “let’s look for your son together.”
After some time, Jesus asked him that if he has some birthmark or else to recognize him more easily.
Yes, said the old man. “He had nails driven on his hands and feet.”
Jesus started and hugged the man, saying “FATHER!”
The old man screamed happily, “PINOCCHIO!”


A blonde was lying in bed with her husband listening to next door neighbors' dog barking for hours and hours every night!
blonde: "I've had enough of this," the blonde runs downstairs, finally returns back to bed.
husband: "The dog is still barking. What did you do?"
blonde: "I put their dog in our yard, now we'll see how they like it!"


I call my wife Google. Not because she knows everything, but because she discontinues services I like.


I miss my ex.
But my aim is getting better.


I tried to sneak into a Star Trek convention disguised as a Doctor.
The Security Guard suspected I was not the Real McCoy.


I always make women show me their boobs before I show them my body ink.
You know, the old tit for tat.