4275 - Saturday jokes

I have the memory of an elephant.
I think I saw it at the zoo.


"It doesn't matter how many times you fall, it's how many times you get back up."
"That's not how field sobriety tests work," the police officer replied.


Have you guys read the book 'Running to the outhouse'?
Written by: Willie Makeit
Illustrated by: Betty Wont


An apple had been going to the same bar every day.
One day the bartender tells the apple, "We don't serve apples at this bar anymore."
The apple sighs. "Well," it says, "expect a lot of doctors to be showing up."


My grandfather always gave 100%
He died donating blood.


Women in Thailand are like a box of chocolates.
You never know which one has nuts.


2 men are in the waiting line that leads them to hell. One asks the other: "How did you end up here?"
One replies, "I burnt a bible, and then shot the ashes up my arm with a syringe".
The other says, "I guess you shouldn't have used the Lord's name in vein."


A blonde buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won't move at all...
After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out a technician to her.
The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it.
So he turns to the blonde and asks, "Ma'am, are you sure you are using the right gears?"
The blonde replies, "Of course I am using the right gears. I use D during the day and N at night."


George W. Bush, Barack Obama, and Donald Trump have died and face God.
God asks Bush, "What do you believe in?" Bush: "I believe in free trade, a strong America, the nation." God is impressed: "Come to my right."
God turns to Obama: "What do you believe in?" Obama: "I believe in democracy, in helping the poor, in world peace." God is very impressed and says, "Sit down to my left."
Then he asks Trump, "What do you believe in?" Trump: "I believe you're sitting in my chair."


Children who are unvaccinated are less likely to have autism. You know why?
You have to be alive to have autism.


My dog once retrieved a stick from 1 mile away.
I know, it sounds a little far fetched.


I got the words, “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.


The man who invented spell check died today.
May he rust in piss.