4337 - Courtroom banter

Here are some funny things said in a courtroom. I found these on the internet under the heading 'these have to be true'. (I've seen some of these before. Someone gathered them up for me.)


1) Some things just aren’t straightforward enough...

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death…

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.


2) Using the oath as a perfect reason to make a joke...

LAWYER: Now sir, I’m sure you are an intelligent and honest man–

WITNESS: Thank you. If I weren’t under oath, I’d return the compliment.


3) Some questions are just too complicated...

LAWYER: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?

OTHER LAWYER: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.


4) There’s never a reason not to make a pun...

LAWYER: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?

WITNESS: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.


5) Taking responses too literally...

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral…


6) To be fair, those headlights are pretty flashy...

LAWYER: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?

WITNESS: Yes.

LAWYER: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?

WITNESS: Yes, sir.

LAWYER: What did she say?

WITNESS: ‘What disco am I at?’


7) Everything is possible...

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No…

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


8) I don’t think that’s how memory works...

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?


9) Some people just simply aren’t good with numbers...

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.


10) Technically, it’s not wrong, which is the best type of being right...

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.


11) That one must’ve hurt...

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.


12) Details matter...

LAWYER: Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?

WITNESS: The victim lived.


13) This seems like a trick question...

LAWYER: You were there until the time you left, is that true?


14) Using the right to remain silent isn’t always the brightest idea...

LAWYER: Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?

WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.

LAWYER: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?

WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.

LAWYER: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?

WITNESS: No.


15) This is when you need to switch attorneys...

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?