4338 - Saturday jokes

The saying "say no to drugs" has always made me laugh.
If you're talking to drugs, it's probably too late to say no to them.


I can't stand people who take drugs
For example, airport security.


Steve Irwin died as he lived.
With animals in his heart.


What starts with an "O" and ends with "nions" and sometimes make you cry?
Opinions


Two drunk guys out drinking come down to their last $5.
One of the Drunk guys wants to use the $5 to get more drinks, the other drunk guy wants to use the $5 for food because he’s starving. The guy who wanted more drinks had a great idea. He said to his drunk friend, “How about we take the five dollars and we’ll go buy a hot dog, then we’ll go to a bar and order drinks and as soon as they serve them to us, I’ll pull out the hot dog like it’s my Johnson, and you act like you’re sucking it and they’ll tell us to get out and we’ll grab our drinks and leave without paying!” The other guy, being drunk and starving, agreed to the crazy idea. Surprisingly enough, the trick worked at all of the four bars they tried it at. Once they got to the fifth bar, the drunk friend who had been getting on his knees to do the fake sucking said, “Man, can we please switch spots? My knees are killing me!” To which the other drunk guy said, “You think that’s bad? I lost the hot dog after the first bar.”


If I had a nickel for every time I didn’t know what was going on...
...I’d be like, “Why do I keep getting all these nickels?”


I relabeled all the jars in my mom's spice rack
I'm not in trouble yet but the thyme is cumin.


What do you call a yeti with a sixpack?
The abdominable snowman.


What did the detective in the Arctic say to the suspect?
"Where were you on the night of September to March?"


What do you call an acid with an attitude?
A-mean-o-acid.


Pun enters a bar. Bloody fight ensues, ten people die.
Pun in, ten dead.