4345 - Saturday jokes

Recently my son asked me why two turtles were playing piggyback.
That's when I knew it was time for the talk.
'Son', I said. 'Those are tortoises'.


Yo momma is so vegan and fat...
...that she ate a meal and got arrested for deforestation.


This German shepherd comes and takes a shit on my lawn every day.
Yesterday, he brought his dog along.


My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid. She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is...purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.


Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"


"Grandpa, why don't you have life insurance?"
Grandpa laughs and says: "I want you guys to be really sad when I die."


Why do all Russian Cosmonauts only drink black coffee?
Because in space, no one here use cream.


I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. Excited, I was about to run indoors to tell the wife. But then I remembered why I was digging in the garden.


What do you call a droid that takes the long way around?
R2 Detour.


A man goes to a tool store to buy a chainsaw. The clerk sells him the top-of-the-line model, saying that it will cut through over 100 trees in one day.
The man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees but after working for hours he only cuts down two trees.
“How can I cut for hours and hours and only finish two trees?” he asks himself.
Next day the man brings the chainsaw back to the store and says it doesn’t work properly.
“Hmm, it looks okay,” says the clerk, and starts the chainsaw.
The man jumps back in shock and cries, “What’s that noise?”


My friends laughed at me when I told them I got an imaginary girlfriend.
Jokes on them ....... they are too.


Stalin is having a meeting with his secretary of agriculture to discuss the production of grain in Ukraine. He asks his secretary, "How much grain have you produced." The secretary responds, “Comrade, we have a pile of grain high enough to reach God”. “But there is no god”, said Stalin. “There is no grain", said the Secretary.


I bought a Nintendo console.
It was broken.
I had to get a Wiifund.


Is the Fibonacci sequence hard to understand?
Nope, its as easy as 1, 1, 2, 3.


I tell everyone I can about the health benefits of eating dried grapes.
It's all about raisin awareness.