4408 - Saturday jokes

Wife: "NO!"
Me: "It's a good name!"
Wife: "We are NOT calling the dog Sarah Jessica Barker, keep thinking."
Me:
Wife:
Me: "Woofie Goldberg!"


A blonde's office computer had technical issues.
IT support came over to the desk and said he needed the password to access her account.
"It's 'MickeyMinnieBatmanSupergirlWonderwomanLondon'", she replied.
"A bit unusual for a password, how did you come up with it?" the support dude asked.
She said, "Because the computer said the password has to have at least 5 characters and a capital".


I got a vasectomy but my wife still got pregnant.
Apparently, all a vasectomy does is change the color of the baby.


They say one in every ten men is gay, so there must be one in my group of friends.
I hope it’s Michael, he’s super cute.


I went to a French zoo. There was a baguette in a cage, so I asked the keeper what that was about and apparently it was bread in captivity.


PASSWORD PROBLEMS:
WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.
USER: cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
USER: boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
USER: 1 boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one uppercase character.
USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one uppercase character consecutively.
USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesYouStupidIdiotGiveMeAccessNow!
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
USER: IWillHuntYouDown50BloodyBoiledCabbagesYouStupidIdiotGiveMeAccessNow
WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.


I was dining alone at a restaurant one evening.
In the middle of my meal, a very pretty woman came to my table and asked, "Are you dining alone?"
I smiled and nodded yes.
She took the other chair and took it back to her table.


The South Carolina Dept of Transportation found over 200 dead crows on highways recently, and there was a concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis, it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars. The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike".


In the original Star Wars Peter Mayhew once had to redo a scene because he missed his cue.
It was a Wookiee mistake.


The Founder of Wikipedia walks into a bar.
[citation needed]


Note to self - Girlfriend said that sleeping with me is not enjoyable for her because I often get distracted.
Well, guess I better get back to it then.


What has 4 letters, sometimes has 9 letters, but never has 5 letters.


I keep asking what LGBT stands for...
But I'm not getting any straight answers.
(Call me old fashioned but I don’t think guacamole belongs on a BLT.)


I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.
"Do you have any kids?" she asked.
"Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two."
She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."


Today at the bank an old lady asked me to check her balance.
So I pushed her over. Told her she needed to work on it.


I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.
The look on his face was priceless.


The internet is full of mean, hurtful, unfriendly, people who have nothing better to do with their lives than make others feel bad! It's so great to have a place I finally fit in!

A 3 year old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. 'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?' She said, 'Not yet'.