4509 - Saturday jokes

There are a few jokes today you have to think about...




Why do the Hong Kong police like to show up to work early?
They like to beat the crowds.


Astronaut 1: "I can't find any milk for my coffee."
Astronaut 2: "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."


A woman called me ugly until she found how much money I make.
Now she’s calling me ugly and poor.


What's the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
One takes things literally; the other takes things, literally.


It's been a bit of a strange day.
First I found a hat full of money.
Then I got chased down the road by an angry man with a guitar.


My nickname in school was Scarface because I was so damn good at knitting.


How Long is a Chinese name?
Yes, it is.


I hope Elon Musk never gets into a scandal. ElonGate would be really drawn out.


What’s the difference between Switzerland and America?
In Switzerland, the cheese is filled with holes.
In America, the kids are.


My girlfriend told me, "I'm breaking up with you because you keep slapping my ass to see it jiggle."
I said, "Fine. I hope the door hits you on your way out."


Jill Stein talks to her intern about recent news.
Jill: This whole Epstein thing is very suspicious. We should call for an investigation?
Intern: What’s Epstein?
Jill: Not much, you?


Hippopotamuses can outrun a human on land or in the water.
So if you’re in a triathlon against a hippo, you really have to make up time in the bicycle portion.


No matter how hard you push the envelope,
it will always remain stationary.


I'm 45 years old and I just bought my very first sports car. My girlfriend thinks I’m going through a midlife crisis.
But what would she know? She’s only 18.


Phone rings...
Boss: Why aren’t you picking that up?!
Me: I always answer on the 5th ring. Makes me seem cooler.
Boss: PICK IT UP!
Me: Fine... 911, what’s your emergency?