4516 - Saturday jokes

They say don’t go grocery shopping while you’re hungry.
But it’s been a week and I just keep getting hungrier.


I recently joined a nudist colony.
It was the hardest the first week.


Nudists are just people with no fashion sense.


I recently went to a nudist wedding.
It was easy to see who was the best man.


There are a few criminals in my town that keep stealing wheels from parked police cars.
The cops are working tirelessly to catch the suspects.


How does a penny look under a microscope?
Magnificent.


Today I went for a walk with a beautiful girl.
Then she noticed me so we went for a run.


My marriage has lasted 50 years even though my wife and I only have one thing in common.
We're both terrible at ending relationships.


I bought my girlfriend a petticoat.
It keeps telling all her other coats that they're too fluffy.


My girlfriend left me because all I do is talk about football.
I'm so sad, we were together for 3 seasons.


My friend Jay had twin girls recently and he wanted to name them after him.
So I suggested Kaye and Ell.


According to Science,
alcohol is a solution.


A mime friend of mine got arrested after he got into a bar fight and broke his left arm.
He still has the right to remain silent.


I had an interview for a job as a Mime today.
Unfortunately, I didn't get it.
Must of been something I said.


Tomorrow at work is Jamaican hairstyle day.
I’m already dreading it.


I took a detour on the way home yesterday. Took me through 8 traffic circles,
but it got me where I was going, in a roundabout way.


Why is Trump losing support in Georgia?
Hates peach.
(hates peach, hate-s-peach, hate speech)


What do Scientology and Trump have in common?
Both of them were very successful at launching a cult by talking crazy shit about aliens.


A wife said to her husband, "If I die first, I want you to promise me that in the funeral procession, you'll let my mother ride in the first car with you." "OK, if you insist" he replied, "But it will ruin my day."


My grandfather served in WW2 during the liberation of France.
One day I asked him, “Did you ever kill anybody?”
He goes silent, looked me deep in the eyes and said, “Probably, I was the cook”.