4551 - Saturday jokes

"What are you going to do this the weekend?"
"I'm going to buy glasses."
"And then what?"
"Then I'll see."


What do you call a Mexican bodybuilder who’s run out of protein?
No whey Jose.

How did the doctor cure the invisible man?

He took him to the ICU.

I was walking down the street with a friend and we saw two blind guys fighting.

We got closer and I said, "My bet is on the one with the knife." They both ran.

A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change in the pulpit.

At home he was shy, quiet and retiring but in the church he was a real fire and brimstone orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he was two different people.

One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.

"Ah," he said, "that's my altar ego."

Girls who talk about girls' problems are great.

But girls who talk about environmental problems are Greta.

What motivates teens to protest climate change?

They're doing it for the Greta good.

The word QUEUE is ironic.

It's just a Q with a bunch of silent letters waiting in line.

What do you call a French guy wearing sandals?

Philippe Philoppe.

Hookers don't fart.

They prosti-toot.

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

“Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why's the groom wearing black?"

I met Bruce Lee’s vegetarian brother today

His name is Brocko Lee. (He knows the art of Kung food.)

Dentist: When did you last floss?

Me: You should know, you did it.

I'm reading a book about metal fasteners.

Riveting stuff.

I think it's important to keep the races separate.

Just imagine how unfair it would be for a horse in NASCAR.

A wife goes on a retreat for work. When she returns, she finds a pair of panties in her dresser that do not belong to her. Furious, she questions her husband. The husband says, "I have no idea where they came from I don't do the laundry!" So, the wife goes to the maid and questions her. Indignant, the maid replies, "Madam, how should I know? These panties don't belong to me. I don't even wear panties, just ask your husband!"

Got a phone call today from my twin brother who is in jail.

He said, “Hey do you remember how we always used to finish each others’ sentences?”

A priest and a Zen master are making toast.

The priest says, "Look, there's an image of Jesus in my margarine!"

The Zen master replies, "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"

My dog Minton has eaten all my shuttlecocks.

Badminton.

Did you hear what happened to the blind circumcisor?

He got the sack.

Did you hear about the Cat that won the best dog contest?

It was a cat-has-trophy.