4579 - Saturday jokes

Sad news...I lost my job as a stage designer.
I wasn't very happy but left without making a scene.


My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila.
“You’re coming home now!” she screamed.
“No, I’m not,” I laughed.
She said, “I’m talking to the kids.”


After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids' lunch, their favorite by far was sliced cucumber.
I don’t know if it was our source or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers.
After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same clerk. The way he interacted with me also changed, giving me little smiles and sometimes a wink.
All of a sudden it hit me, and I felt embarrassed by what he was probably thinking. The next time I went in I also grabbed a jar of Vaseline. Hopefully, I fixed this before he spread any rumors about me being a vegan.


What's the fastest liquid on Earth?
Milk. It's pasteurized before you see it.


The wife and I decided we don't want children.
We're telling them tomorrow.


When a girl changes her clothes in front of you,
she's either really interested or
you're level 99 friend-zoned or
she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet.


Whoever stole my anti-depressants,
I hope you're happy now.


The government offered to buy back all my guns.
I turned them down.
I don't feel right selling firearms to organized crime.


What is the highest form of flattery?
A plateau.


Today, I gave up my seat for an old lady on the bus.
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.


If I only sleep 20 minutes in a sleeping bag,
is it a knapsack?


Did you know that piranhas can devour a child down to the bone in less than 45 seconds?
Anyway, I lost my job at the aquarium today.


Today my son asked, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst out laughing, 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
(or - So I threw the book at him hard enough to leave a mark.)


“I don’t understand you,” cried my girlfriend. “One minute you’re really offensive to me and the next you’re really polite.”
“Bitch, please,” I said.


People who confuse the words "Burro" and "Burrow" don't know their ass from a hole in the ground.


A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.
An optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel.
A realist sees a freight train.
The train engineer sees 3 idiots standing on the train tracks.


I just had a near sex experience.
My wife just flashed before my eyes.


A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, the initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.”
The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”


When wearing a bikini, women reveals 96% of their body.
But the men are so polite, they only look at the covered parts.


Just got my ticket to the Fibonacci convention!
I hear this year is going to be as big as the last 2 put together.


The man who invented autocorrect has died.
May he roast in piss.


Two archaeologists are excavating an ancient Egyptian tomb.
Suddenly both archaeologists let out loud farts in unison.
They turn to each other and one says, “Hmm, it seems that we have a Tutankhamen”.


If you have a camp to help people with ADHD.
Would it be called a concentration camp?


What do you call a veterinarian that only treats one species?
A physician.


If a pregnant woman swims,
she is a human submarine.


My wife just found out she's adopted. She is devastated and kept asking "why didn't they want me?". I comforted her and after a while, still crying, she asked me to make love to her, which led to more tears.
On reflection, banging her from behind and shouting "who is your daddy" was a little insensitive.