4628 - Saturday jokes

We all know where the Big Apple is.
But does anyone know where the Minneapolis?


The new sex position is called Brexit.
It's when you promise to pull out but you don't.
(This joke was written before the British election)


It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub.
It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.


I went to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle, bought a bottle of whiskey and put it in the bicycle basket
As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the whiskey before I cycled home.
It turned out to be a very good decision because I fell off seven times on the way home.

Bill's, Bills, Bills... Peggy, why do we keep getting Bill's mail?

I am a proud anti-vax parent of 4 children.

Edit: 3 children

Edit: 2

Edit: 1

Edit: 0

Today at the gym I asked a girl what her New Year's resolution was.

She said, "Fuck you."

So I'm pretty excited for 2020.

A man stumbles upon a magic lamp with a genie willing to grant him one wish.

Man: I wish your name was "Burger King".

Genie: Wait, what? Why?!

Man: It's for a joke, trust me.

Genie: You'd waste a wish, something with the power to change the cosmos itself, for a joke?

Man: Yes.

Burger King: Have it your way.

Yesterday one of my good friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and completely ruined our shower.

A man is involved in a minor car accident and starts screaming and shouting like a baby.

A cop approaches the car and says: "Sir, the ambulance is on its way. 

Your girlfriend has blood on her face, yet she sits there patiently. 

You appear to be fine, why are you crying so loud?"

The man replies: "Check what's in her mouth!"

"Hey! I heard China just legalized same-sex marriage!", says a white man to a Chinese national.

"No we didn't.", replies the Chinese national.

"But Taiwan just legalized same-sex marriage!"

"No… Taiwan is not… uh… Yes, China is… uh…"

I was in my room and saw 10 ants running around frantically. 

I felt bad for them, so I built a house for them. 

This kinda makes me their landlord and that kinda makes them my tenants.

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you...don't bother coming after me" Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction. After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note. After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone. "She's finally gone...yeah I know, about time, I'm coming to see you, put on that …… French nightie. I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like." He hung up, grabbed his keys and left. She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed, seething with rage and with tears in her eyes. She grabbed the note to see what he wrote. "I can see your feet. We're outta bread; be back in five minutes."

I bought my friend an elephant for his room.

He said, "Thanks."

I said, "Don't mention it".

I saw my math teacher walk into her office with a piece of graphing paper.

I think she was plotting something.

The American education system obviously listens to Pink Floyd.

They've left those kids a loan.

A man told his wife, “I’m so busy I don’t know whether I’m coming or going.” 

She said, “From the look on your face, I’d say you’re going because when you’re coming, you look like a stroke victim trying to whistle.”

Gordon Ramsey hollars, "F***ing hell, this tastes like someone shat on a piece of meat and then served it raw. What the f*** are you thinking asking me to eat this?"

"Gordon, if you don't want to give me oral sex, just say so. Don't make a production out of it." said his wife.

I'm already looking forward to 2021.

Then hindsight will actually be 2020 for a whole year.

I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words.

She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect.

Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.