4663 - Saturday jokes

I told my psychiatrist that I’ve been hearing voices.
He told me that I don’t have a psychiatrist.


How many germans do you need to change a lightbulb?
One, we are very efficient and not funny.


An English couple decided to adopt a little German boy. After two years, the child doesn’t speak and his parents start to worry about him. After three years, he still has not spoken and after four years, he has yet to utter a word.
The English couple figure he is never going to speak but he is still a lovely child, and on his next birthday, they threw him a party and made him a chocolate cake with orange icing.
The parents are in the kitchen when the boy comes in and says, “Mother, Father, I do not care for the orange icing on the chocolate cake.”
My God,” says his mother. “You can speak?”
To which the German boy replies, “Of course.”
"How come you've never spoken before?“ asks his father.
“Well,” says the boy, “up until now, everything has been satisfactory.”
(German children are brought learning that "Nothing said is praise enough.")


In Germany:
"Knock knock".
A German already knows who is since they plan ahead.


I may be kind but German children will always be kinder.


Help, Someone from Russia is trying to hack my phone
Edit: Sorry, I not hacked. Mother Russia do no such thing. Have good day comrades.


I called my wife and told her that I'll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.
She still regrets letting me name the kids.


A man wanted to become a monk so he went to the monastery and talked to the head monk. The head monk said, "You must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every three years."
The man agreed and after the first 3 years, the head monk came to him and said, "What are your two words?" "Food’s cold!" the man replied.
Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said, "What are your two words?" “Robe’s dirty!" the man exclaimed.
Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said, "What are your two words?" "I quit!" said the man. "Well," the head monk replied, "I am not surprised. You have done nothing but complain ever since you got here!"


A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly and as you can see, they were Wright.


What's that Italian dessert called where you pour espresso coffee over ice cream?
Everyone I ask can't remember and Affogato.


What is the difference between a secretary and a personal secretary?
Secretary - "good morning sir"
Personal secretary- "it’s morning sir"


I was having anal sex with my secretary when my wife walked in.
She said, “You can’t do this to me!”
I said, “I know, that’s why I’m doing it to her.”


1 out of 5 people suffers from loneliness.
So, if you look around and you don’t see the other 4 people, they’re out having fun without you.


I've just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know.


My wife and I watched 5 movies back to back last night.
Lucky for me, I was the one facing the TV!


A kid saw Arnold Schwarzenegger walking down the street.
The kid ran up to Arnold and said, "Whoa, you're a terminator! Do you really kill people?"
Arnold says, "Actually I'm retired so I only kill bugs now. I'm an ex-terminator."


Got my first date of 2020 already lined up.
I mean, its a court date but it's still a date and I'm getting dressed up.


So doc, you're saying I can touch myself whenever I feel like?
"No, I said you could have a stroke at any time".


My son loves my Delorean.
So I let him drive it from time to time.
(I had to think about this for a second.)


Why don't churches have wifi?
They don't want to compete with an invisible power that actually works.


My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with legumes.
Jack and the beans talk.


What do old people and strippers have in common?
They don't like change.


One day, Canada will rule the world...
... then we'll all be sorry.


A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, "Here's something I have that you'll never have!" The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, "My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!"


My wife gave me an ultimatum. It was either her or my addiction to sweets.
The decision was a piece of cake.