Saturday, February 29, 2020

4703 - Saturday jokes

A priest has a heart attack and is rushed to the hospital.
He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.
"Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.
"No," says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward."

My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer.
Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.

My friend said, "I'm fed up with your stupid wordplay jokes.
Why don't you go and write a book instead of bothering me with them?"
I replied, "That's a novel idea".

My therapist told me to write letters to people I hate and then burn them.
Mission accomplished.
What should I do with the letters?

When I die I'm going to donate my body to science.
That would have made my Dad very happy.
He always wanted me to go to medical school.

Breaking: While reporting on Storm Ellen, A TV weatherman has been blown over and broken both his legs and arms.
A spokesperson for the company said the reporter is OK and will be live from his hospital bed with his four casts.

An unnamed weatherman has acted angrily to being sacked, after giving too many gloomy, unsettled forecasts.
No more mist 'n' ice guy.

My friends recently went Bob-sleighing.
There was a tragic accident.
One of the team, Robert, died.
Police are treating it as suspicious.

Last year after having a few at the hotel bar, I stopped by the front desk for a wake-up call.
The clerk said, "You're overweight and need to stop drinking".

A nine-year-old girl put on some face cream that is supposed to make the user look ten years younger.
She hasn’t been seen since.

I've been in 10 bars today to get a glass of less.
But nobody seems to know what it is.
I wonder what my Doctor was talking about.

Most people are shocked when they find out how bad an electrician I am.

Boss: "Do you believe in life after death?"
Employee: "Certainly not, there is no evidence to substantiate it"
Boss: "Well there is now. Half an hour after you left early yesterday, to go to your Uncle's funeral, he showed up here looking for you".

A man knocked on my door.
I opened it.
He was only about 3ft 3ins tall.
I asked who he was.
It turns out he was the meter man.

My friend's wife had a go at me for treating their house like a hotel.
She's going to regret that when she sees the review I left on 'Trip Adviser' about the rude staff.

A couple of months ago, my friend's wife entered a 'Design work clothes' competition.
Great news!
It's just been announced that she is the overall winner.

How many ears did Davy Crockett have?
A left ear,
a right ear,
and a wild frontier.

Yesterday I opened my Elvis themed Steakhouse.
It's aimed at people who love meat tender.

When I'm bored I call 'Best Western' hotels.
When they answer "Best Western",
I reply, "The Good, The Bad And The Ugly with Clint Eastwood" and hang up.

A few years ago I received an award for Cleanliness and Hygiene around the home.
Nowadays it just sits on the mantlepiece gathering dust.

My medicine bottle states 'Store somewhere cool'.
It's currently in Venice Beach.

My friend's wife sent him a romantic text.
'If you are asleep, send me your dreams,
If you are laughing, send me your smile,
If you are eating, send me a bite,
If you are drinking, send me a sip,
If you are crying, send me your tears',
He replied, 'I am on the toilet, please advise'.

Never take a dog named 'Shark' for a run along the beach.

If you receive any items covered in bubble-wrap,
before you start popping,
remember the air inside comes from China.

I arrived at my friend's house.
He was setting up a camp-bed in his garage.
I asked what he was doing.
He said he was celebrating winning an argument with his wife.

Monday is the start of diarrhoea awareness week.
Runs until Friday.

A propeller is just a big fan at the front of a plane to keep the pilot cool.
When it stops working you can actually see the pilot start sweating.

My friend went to a club but the bouncer stopped him.
"No tie, no entry".
He walked back to his car to find a tie.
All he found were jumper cables.
He puts them around his neck like a tie.
He goes back and says, "How's this?".
The bouncer says, "I'll let you in, but don't start anything".

If you receive an e-mail asking you to click on a link to help you read maps backward.
I'm pretty sure it's spam.

I had a bad day yesterday.
I went to button up my shirt,
the button fell off.
I went to pick up my briefcase,
the handle fell off.
I went to open the front door,
the doorknob fell off.
Now I'm afraid to pee.


Debra She Who Seeks said...

Some great puns in these ones!

eViL pOp TaRt said...

Great jokes! Loved each one!

jono said...

No bubble wrap popping this week!