4731 - Saturday jokes

The kids asked what was for dinner and I told them "Scraps". They started crying. Spoiled brats, it's really hard to get food at the moment thanks to the panic buying.
And it was a stupid name for a cat anyway.


I bought a second-hand time machine next Sunday.
They don’t make them like they’re going to anymore.


The opposite of isolate is yousoearly.


I'm American, and I'm sick of people saying America is "the stupidest country in the world."
Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.


Becoming a vegetarian is a big missed steak.


All countries eventually got coronavirus.
But China got it right off the bat.


I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman. It's very rewarding but quite challenging.
It took me ages to get her husband's voice right.


They say keep your friends close, but your enemies closer...
*cough*


We are 11 days into self-isolation and it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.
Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.


I just asked the wife to get into her nurses uniform.
She said why? Are you feeling horny? I said no, we need bread!


A husband and wife sit in their bed.
The husband tells his wife, "I bet $20 that you can't say something that will make me happy and sad at the same time."
The wife thinks for a second and says, "You have the biggest dick out of all your friends."


Came home from work to find the cake in my fridge missing. There was a note sitting where the cake was that said, “I broke into your house and saw the cake in your fridge, I didn’t steal anything else, only the cake in your fridge.”
I was infuriated, what kind of a burglar steals cake?!
I’ve had thieves take my bike, I’ve had thieves take my packages, but not like this, this one takes the cake.


Stop saying your life is a joke!
A joke has meaning.


I can always tell, just by looking, when someone is lying.
I can also tell when they're standing.


I was given MDMA and LSD tonight.
What a terrible way to start a game of Scrabble.


My friend asked for tips to pick up women.
I told him to lift with his legs to avoid injuring his back.
Herniated discs are no joke.


Waitress - Walks up to the table, "You guys all finished?"
Me - Yes
Waitress - "You wanna box for the leftovers?"
Me - "No, but I'll wrestle you for them."


My girlfriend texted me, "helpmyspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative"
Anybody know what "ternative" means?


I told my wife I lost 5 lbs in one hour.
"No way. That's impossible!" she said.
"Not impossible", I said, "but we do need a plumber".
(A plumber with the mega plunger!)