4739 - Saturday jokes

My friends keep sending me articles that Bill Withers died... I keep telling them...
I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know.


Two caterpillars are escaping a spider. They climb up a branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped.
"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar and he quickly chews through the branch.
It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and uses them to steer the branch through the air with grace and finesse.
"That's amazing!!" says the second caterpillar. "How in the hell are you doing that?!"
The first caterpillar scoffs.
"Am I the only one in the whole damn forest who knows how to drive a stick!?"


My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"
Wife: Whatever means necessary.
Me: No it doesn't.


A cowboy is captured by Indians. The chief tells the cowboy they'll grant 3 requests before they scalp him.
The cowboy thinks a minute then says, " I want to say goodbye to my horse and then set him free." So they bring him his horse, he whispers in its ear then sets him off into the sunset. He tells the chief he needs to mull over the third request and the chief agrees to wait until sunset.
As the sun dips in the sky, here comes the horseback, with a beautiful brunette in the saddle. "Is this your last request?" the chief asks. "Uh, no," says the cowboy. "My last request is to say goodbye to my horse once more." "Ok..." says the chief. The cowboy leans into his horse's ear and hisses, "You idiot! I said 'Posse! Posse!"


My friend's dad is a magician.
He can turn 10 bottles of beer, poof, into domestic violence.


Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty-one feet, six inches," and walked away.
One engineer shook his head and laughed, "Typical blonde! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"


Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There would be mass confusion.


I caught my wife cheating with my best friend.
She was upset that I was always beating her, and he was jealous of how much money and property I had.
I was so angry when I caught them that I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.


It was a difficult conversation telling my son to call me dad instead of mom now
But I wanted to be transparent.


A blonde woman wants to prove she is smart.
So she dyes her hair brunette and goes out for a challenge. She finds a shepherd with a big herd and asks him if she can guess the number of sheep in the first try and if she guesses right she could keep one of the sheep. The shepherd agrees. After a good look at the herd, she thinks and tells him, 258. The shepherd in amusement that she guessed the right number, agrees to give her a sheep of her choosing. She takes another look, grabs one she liked and starts to proudly walk away. Then she hears the shepherd calling her, she turns around and he asks her: If I guess the natural color of your hair, would you give me my dog back?


My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.


Hitler went to a fortuneteller and asked her,
“On what day will I die?”
The seeress assured him that he would die on a Jewish holiday.
“Why are you so sure of that?” demanded Hitler.
“Any day,” she replied, “on which you die will be a Jewish holiday.”


I finished installing an electric fence around the perimeter of my house yesterday.
All the neighbors are dead against it.


Had sex with the wife for 30 minutes doggy style last night.
That's about 4 minutes in human time.


A woman goes into a restaurant with 15 kids.
The kids start goofing around while she's talking to the waitress. The mom gets impatient and yells, "Eddy! Stop that! Or else!" All 15 boys suddenly sit down, obedient and quiet.
The waitress asks, "Did you really name all 15 of your boys Eddy?"
"Yup," says the woman. "Makes it easier than trying to remember who's who every damn time."
"But what if you only want to talk to one of them for some reason?" the waitress asks.
"Well, then I just call them by their last names."


All the girls I meet think my name is Joe.
Every time I ask for a date, they say I must be Joe King.


What does it take to turn a Trump supporter into a socialist?
$1,200.


This Quarantine is getting old.
So old in fact, that it's starting to become a Quaranadult.


If a local Panda Express was infected by COVID-19,
it would be known as "Pandemic Express".


I went for an interview, they asked me where do I see myself in five years.
Apparently, “Still using the toilet rolls I stockpiled during the Coronavirus outbreak”, was not the right answer.


You can spend all of the quarantine without moving a muscle.
And get a-trophy.


Her, "So what do you do for a living?"
Him, "I'm a human organ trafficker."
Her, "Omg! Don't you have a heart?!"
Him, "Is that a criticism or an order?"


What did Virgin Mary say when little Jesus pooped on the kitchen table?
"Holy shit!"