4746 - Saturday jokes

How can it be Saturday again?! sheeezh!


No one is allowed to congregate for funerals; instead, people drive by the cemetery and honk their horns in respect. One man drives by blasting from his radio “Another One Bites The Dust”.
The family wanted to be mad, but then another car drove by playing the same song, and another one does, and another one does, and another one drives a bus.


How do you measure how heavy a red hot chili pepper is?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.


When my wife told me to stop singing “I’m a believer”, I thought she was kidding.
But then I saw her face...

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A recent widow, Elizabeth, gets dressed up in her mourning clothes and goes shopping for the week
She's known the butcher for years and says "Every year my husband insisted on a turkey for Easter. But now that he's dead, I can have whatever I want! I was thinking I'd do a nice roast or maybe a meatloaf. Is that traditional?" The butcher just shakes his head and says, "No, black Betty. Ham or lamb."


I tried to flatulate while lying on my back but my balls got in the way.
It was a scrotal eclipse of the fart.


Yesterday I watched a match of women's volleyball, and 10 minutes into the game there was a wrist injury.
But by tomorrow I should be fine again.


My girlfriend asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I probably should've stopped when I got to her name.


I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop.
I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.


Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy." Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."


Captain Trump of the RMS Titanic:
There isn't an iceberg.
There was an iceberg but it's in a totally different ocean.
The iceberg is in this ocean but it will melt very soon.
There is an iceberg but we didn't hit the iceberg.
We hit the iceberg, but the damage will be repaired very shortly.
The iceberg is a Chinese iceberg.
We are taking on water but every passenger who wants a lifeboat can get a lifeboat, and they are beautiful lifeboats.
Look, passengers need to ask nicely for the lifeboats if they want them.
We don't have any lifeboats, we're not lifeboat distributors.
Passengers should have planned for icebergs and brought their own lifeboats.
I really don't think we need that many lifeboats.
We have lifeboats and they're supposed to be our lifeboats, not the passengers' lifeboats.
The lifeboats were left onshore by the last captain of this ship.
Nobody could have foreseen the iceberg.


Just found two lumps on my car battery.
Got them tested, one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.


A man, a dog, and a pig wash up on a deserted island.
They're there for several years, until one day the man gets desperate, takes off his trousers, and tries to mount the pig. The dog, however, starts growling at him and baring its teeth, so he stops. A few weeks later he tries again, but this time the dog bites him on the arm until he stops.
Later, a beautiful woman washes up on the beach. The man nurses her back to health and provides her food. One day, she asks if there's anything she can do for him.
"Anything?"
"Anything."
"Well, there was one thing."
"Oh? What was it?"
"Can you take the dog for a walk?"


You know Orion’s belt?
Waist of space.
I know, I know, not a great joke.
Three stars.


A truck loaded with thousands of copies of thesauruses crashed yesterday.
Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed.


Statistically, one out of 10 of your friends is gay.
I think it might be Steve, he's really sexy.


Sometimes I think I have a superiority complex.
But then I realize I’m better than that.


A cop has been caught doing drugs and masturbating on duty.
No name has been given yet but they say he's a high wanking officer.


During my prostate exam the doctor put his hands on my shoulders and said, "Dave, it's normal to get a hard-on while doing this."
"My name is not Dave," I replied.
"Yes, I know," said the doctor, "I'm Dave."


I just finished designing a website for an orphanage.
There isn't a home page.


Pakistan's capital city Islamabad has extended the ongoing lockdown for another eight days as the number of Covid-19 patients rose to 82, Dawn News reported today.
Things have gone from Islamabad to Islamaworse.


2019: stay away from negative people
2020: stay away from positive people


Day 365 without sex in isolation and self-quarantine.
Went jogging in flip flops just to remember the sound.


For the first time ever.
I’d rather loudly shit my pants in public than sneeze.