4753 - Saturday jokes

Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...
"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."


Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it just becomes a soap opera.


What does a house wear?
Address.


Why do sperm cells look like commas and apostrophes?
They often interrupt periods and lead to contractions.


Grammar is the difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit.


The teacher asked the student, "Name two pronouns".
The student said, "Who, me?"


North Korea’s leader has been suspiciously absent, arousing concerns from his followers who all wonder...
...Is Kim Jong ill?

And if he is...
How Jong can Kim be ill?


I was walking past a homeless guy when he yelled, "Stephen King is my older brother and he stole the ideas for all his novels from me!"
I said, "Surely you must be Joe."


When I became a teenager, my father gave me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on the dangers of having unprotected sex.
All the slides were just pictures of me.


My girlfriend asked to do a 69.
I said, "what’s that?" She said, "Lay down and I’ll show you". So she went to squat over my face.
As she did she farted and jumped up and said, "sorry" and then tried again. She then farted a 2nd time.
With that, I jumped up and said, "I’m outa here. I’ll be damned if I’m hanging around for another 67 of those".


My grandmother always used to say, “The fastest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach”.
She was a terrible surgeon.


Two best friends meet.
"I have bad news and more bad news," says one to the other.
"OK, combine them," says the other one.
"Your wife is cheating on us."


Why didn't the alcoholic became a comedian?
Because he couldn't stand up.


A woman says to her doctor, "Kiss me!"
He answers, "No, I can't."
She asks again, "Doctor, please kiss me!"
Again he says, "No, ma'am, that would be unprofessional."
Now she's practically begging, "Kiss me! Kiss me!"
He finally yells, "No! I shouldn't even be having sex with you right now."


Where do you take someone who has been injured playing peek-a-boo?
To the ICU.


Darth Vader built an entire Galactic Empire wearing protective gear in a sanitary environment.
But it was all destroyed by a whiny brat without a mask who refused to stay home with his aunt and uncle.


The best part about being quarantined are the handjobs.
The worst part is being alone.


A Jehovas Witness knocked on my door the other day.
I said, "Come in. Sit down. What would you like to talk about?"
He said, "I don't know. I've never gotten this far before."


If you receive a knock-knock email don't open it.
It's a Jehovah's Witness working from home.


I made a graph showing my past relationships.
It has an ex-axis and a why-axis.

Is buttcheeks one word...

or should I spread them apart?

It’s butt:cheeks. (Notice the colon in the middle)

So Land O’Lakes got rid of the Native American on their package.

But they kept the land. Sounds oddly familiar.

And the award for best neckwear goes to...

Well would you look at that, it's a tie.

(Not if I'm voting)

Why are catholic priests called father?

Because “daddy” would be too suspicious.

I like to call my weed "the Quran".

Because burning it will get you stoned.

A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex, so naturally, she agrees and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"

Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.

He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please...just one more time, before I die."

She says, "Of course, dear." and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.

The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses, and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..."

At this point, the wife sits up and screams, "Listen, I have to get up in the morning...YOU DON’T!!!"

I love my girlfriend Arial.

I'm quite font of her.

(I like this type of joke.)