4766 - Saturday jokes

Where does a horse go when it gets hurt?
The horse-pital. Just kidding, it gets shot.


Sadly, I've lost 20% of my sight. Sigh...


I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today and as we were walking around, he suddenly shouted, “Look at the frickin’ elephant, dad!” I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us. “What did you just call it?” I asked. “It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the podium!” he said. And so it did, African Elephant.


A fortune teller told me I'd suffer awful heart break in 12 years.
To cheer myself up I bought a puppy.


A man takes his wife to get tested.
Several days go by, and he receives a call from the doctor.
The doctor tells him, “Due to an unfortunate mix up with the lab, we are not sure of your wife has Covid-19 or Alzheimer’.
The man, clearly frustrated, asks, “Well what am I supposed to do with that kind of information?”
The doctor calmly suggests, “I recommend you take her for a very long walk and leave her. If she comes home, don’t let her in.”


I dreamed I saw a color I never saw before.
But it was just a pigment of my imagination.


Today my doctor told me I was colorblind.
The results came completely out of the purple.


Had a neighbor named Richard Noggin.
He was a real dick head.


Why is the white guy the scariest guy in prison?
Cause you know he is actually guilty.


Two guys are in a bar. One had too much to drink and pukes all over himself.
“Oh no!”, the man says, “My wife’s gonna kill me if she knows I got this drunk!”
His friend tells him, “Don’t worry it’ll be fine - just put ten dollars in your shirt pocket and tell her someone else did it and paid for it to get cleaned.”
“Brilliant!”, says the man, and he goes home. Wife sees him and says “oh honey look what you’ve done! You’ve been sick everywhere! I can’t believe you got this drunk.”
“No”, the man says, “It was someone else and look, to prove it there’s ten dollars in my shirt pocket from the guy who did it to go get it cleaned.”
“But there’s twenty dollars in here,” she points out.
“I know,” he says, “He also shit in my pants.”


Until this crisis is over I'm going to stick to masturbation just before 8pm on Thursday evenings.
The neighborhood applauding me as I finish is just the confident booster I need.


Did you know if you rearrange all the letters in the Post Office,
They get really annoyed.


I had a hen that could count her own eggs.
She was a mathamachicken.


370HSSV-0773H
This is what my Australian ex-girlfriend texted me.


Religious people are not much different from atheists.
There are 4,000 religions in the world.
A religious person believes that 3,999 religions are wrong.
An atheist believes that 4,000 religions are wrong.


A city lawyer goes to visit his farmer cousin in the country.
On arrival, he sees a pig with a wooden leg.
He asks his cousin, "What's the deal with that pig?"
The farmer replies, "Oh, he's special. When my daughter Susie was trapped in a burning barn, he ran in and saved her. And when my son Owen fell down a well, he came and got us and led us right to him."
"That's amazing!" said the lawyer. "But how did he end up with a wooden leg?"
"Well," said the farmer, "You can't eat a pig all at once!"


I heard you were looking for a stud.
I have the STD and all I need is U.


Today is my parents 44th wedding anniversary! And all I can think it is...
Why did they get married so many times?


Here's a joke for all the mind readers out there...