4780 - Saturday jokes

Me: I'm afraid of the Backstreet Boys.
Therapist: Tell me why.
Me:


At the Olympics I saw a man carrying a long sick and I asked, "Are you a pole vaulter?"
He said, "No. I am German but how did you know my name was Walter?"


So if guns don’t kill people, but people kill people, does that mean toasters don’t toast toast, toast toast toast?


Student: Are “well” and “actually” both single-syllable words?
Teacher: Well yes, but actually no.


William Shatner has discontinued his new line of lingerie.
Apparently, 'Shatner Panties' wasn’t the best choice for a name.


The not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper.
The question directed: 'Give four advantages of breast milk.' What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:
1. No need to boil.
2. Cats can't steal it.
3. Available whenever necessary.
So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:
4. Available in attractive containers.


My wife walked in on me while I was watching porn.
In a panic reflex I instantly changed to a random channel, the fishing channel.
As my wife walks out again she says, "You should stay on the porn channel. You already know how to fish."


My wife was super angry when she caught me watching porn. She said it degrades women.
Jokes on her. The porn I watch doesn't have any women in it.


Can't wait to go clubbing again.
The seal population is getting out of hand.


What can the coronavirus do that the US government can't?
Stop school shootings.


What’s the difference between me and cancer?
My dad didn’t beat cancer.


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Genocide.


One big difference between men and women is...
That if a woman says, "smell this", it usually smells nice.


A daughter went up to her mother and asked, “Mom, is it really true that a baby comes out the same hole the penis goes in?”
The mom the replied “yes”
The daughters face drops cold in fear.
“Mom...then wouldn’t my teeth fall out?”


How do you make one disappear?
Add a G and it's Gone.


Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman.
A good example: “I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday.”


I made a chicken salad this morning.
The stupid thing won't even eat it.


In 2015, none of us got the answer right to...
"Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"