4801 - Saturday jokes

For an experiment, my son has been wearing a Manchester United top for two weeks. So far he's been spat at, verbally abused, and punched.
God knows what will happen to him when he leaves the house.


America seems to have successfully prevented a second wave of corona.
By keeping the first one going.


Kate! What a pretty name. I would name one of my twin daughters Kate!
What would you name the other twin?
DupliKate.


Yo mama so fat...
Before she was buried the earth was flat.


How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They'll just beat the room for being black.


How many cops does it take to throw a prisoner down the stairs?
None, he fell.


Me: Boss, I’m sorry I am late. I was having computer issues.
Boss: Hard drive?
Me: No, the commute was fine. It was my computer.


There are 3 farmers, let’s call them A, B, and C.
Which one knows the most about medicine?
Farmer C


A husband and wife are having marriage trouble. The husband is often unfaithful. One day the wife died an early death and arrives at Heavens Gate met by a past loved one.
It is was her grandmother.
Wife: Grandmother what must I do to get through Heaven's gate?
Grandmother: It's easy honey, all you have to do is spell one word.
Wife: what is it?
Grandmother: Love.
After many years and multiple wives later the husband dies and arrives at Heavens Gate met by a past loved one. It was his first wife.
Husband: What must I do to get through Heavens Gate?
Wife: You must spell just one word.
Husband: What is it?
Wife: Czechoslovakia.


This year was the first year I couldn't travel to Europe because of Covid-19.
Before this, I couldn't because I didn't have any money.


4 people fighting to sit on the throne.
There's blood, there's guts, there's nudity.
Gonna have to face the facts.
I'm a terrible cook.


Did you hear about the guy that was shot with the starter pistol?
I guess it was race related!


Q: Why can't the blind guy see his friends?
A: Because he's married.


A fat businessman joins a gym.
As he emerges from the shower in the locker room one of the trainers notices him toweling off.
"You must be a new member here", the trainer says. "What caused you to join our gym?"
"Well," says the businessman, "I've been getting out of shape for so long, I realized one day that it's been a long time since I've been able to see my dick past all this belly fat. I remember back when I was better looking, girls used to tell me I had a pretty nice looking dick. I figured I'd better start working out so maybe I can see it again."
"Well that's an interesting goal, and working out with us will help a lot, but you should also diet."
The businessman looks down in a panic toward his crotch and says, "Why? What color is it now?!"


If you think Thursdays are depressing, wait for two more days.
It will be a sadder day.


What were Epstein's last words before he committed suicide?
Please don't kill me!


What do you call a flock of sheep tumbling down a hill?
A lambslide.


My daughter and her boyfriend went to their room.
Shortly after I heard, "Baby baby oh!" And I rushed towards the room.
"Thank God", I said to myself as they were just having sex and not listening to Justin Beiber.


I've got the world's best homing pigeon'
How do I know he's the best?
I've sold him 87 times this year.


What do you call ancient ceremonial fertility stones?
They're fucking rocks!