4822 - Saturday jokes

What is a flat Earther's greatest fear?
Sphere itself.


I just got fired from my job as a mailman because my boss thinks I’m completely incompetent. Shit. Meant to post this somewhere else.


Honestly, the worst purchase of 2020 was a 2020 planner.


There has never been an easier time for teenagers to buy beer with a fake ID. “Oh, that doesn’t look like me? Really? You can tell just from the eyes? No, I will NOT take my mask off.”


Not a joke but funny. I've done things like this...
I put a mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall. So I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.


An assistant to Donald Trump told him she had a fantastic dream last night. There was a huge parade down Pennsylvania Avenue celebrating Trump. Millions lined the parade route, cheering when the President went past. Bands were playing; children were throwing confetti into the air; there were balloons everywhere. It was absolutely the BIGGEST CELEBRATION WASHINGTON HAD EVER SEEN!!! Trump was very impressed and said, "That's really great! By the way, how did I look in your dream? Was my hair okay?" His assistant said, "I couldn't tell, the casket was closed."


I got pulled over in the carpool lane.
Cop: Where's your passenger?
Me: Due to social distancing they're in the car behind me.


To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner.
They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.


The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently, I will never be ending a work email with the phrase ‘Regards’ again.


A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don’t know if it's in yet."
"Yeah, that's the one!"


Police: “Anything you say can and will be held against you.”
Me: “Boobs”


I told the EMT's the wrong blood type for my ex.
Now she'll know what rejection feels like.


I have to tell my girlfriend that I don't like the fetish she's into.
But first I need to get some shit off my chest.


I got an email the other day teaching me how to read maps backward.
Turns out it was just spam.


I saw a transvestite in a mini skirt.
I thought.. that shows a lot of balls.


Dad walks into his son's room and says, "Son, don't masturbate so much or you'll go blind."
The son replies, "Dad, I'm over here."


Jesu‌‌s once said, "He wh‌‌o live‌‌s by the sword‌‌, will die by the sword"
H‌‌e was ‌‌a carpenter that die‌‌d by being nailed to ‌‌a piece of wood‌‌, so he might have had ‌‌a point.


As a cat, I'm overfed, over-pampered, and spoiled rotten...
And I deserve much better than this!


A parrot said to his owner one day, "Go fuck yourself". The owner didn't really care. The next day the parrot said again, "Go fuck yourself". The owner was trying to ignore it but the parrot did not stop. After some time the owner said, "If I hear you insult me again I will snap your neck".
The next day the parrot said, "Hey".
The owner said, "What?"
The parrot, "You know what".


I go‌‌t ‌‌a massag‌‌e las‌‌t week an‌‌d i‌‌t wa‌‌s th‌‌e firs‌‌t tim‌‌e ‌‌I ha‌‌d ‌‌a gu‌‌y masseuse‌‌.
S‌‌o we're like 1‌‌0 minute‌‌s in ‌‌I just had to ask‌‌, "Is getting an erection normal‌‌?"
He said, "Yes they are very common‌‌."
And ‌‌I was like‌‌, "Well can you get it out of my face?"


Why do scuba divers fall backward off of boats?
Because if they fell forwards, they’d still be on the boat.