4843 - Saturday jokes

I angered two people by calling them hipsters.
Apparently, the correct term is conjoined twins.


A man goes to see a wizard and says, "Can you lift a curse that a priest put on me years ago?" “Maybe," says the wizard, "Can you remember the exact words of the curse?" The man replies, "I now pronounce you man and wife."


A little girl asks her father, "Daddy, what is corruption?"
"Go bring me a beer and I'll tell you."
"But mommy said you should stop drinking!"
"When you get me that beer. Get yourself an ice-cream too."
"Oh, okay!"


I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.
I'm not sure what scared him more. My naked body or the fact I knew where he lived.


Why are sperm donations more expensive than blood donations? They're hand made.


My wife told me she'd slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. Don't worry guys, I think she's jokinejkodoworkfjcjkskoe394oo2oc2i2fkf2uu3ug25r2u


Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me.
Such a nice jester!

A m‌‌a‌‌n i‌‌‌‌s b‌‌ein‌‌g r‌‌elease‌‌d f‌‌ro‌‌m a‌‌‌‌ U‌‌‌‌S hospital.

A‌‌s h‌‌‌‌e i‌‌‌‌s b‌‌ein‌‌g e‌‌scorte‌‌d o‌‌u‌‌t by a‌‌‌‌ n‌‌urse‌‌, h‌‌‌‌e p‌‌asse‌‌s b‌‌‌‌y a‌‌‌‌ p‌‌atient’‌‌s r‌‌oo‌‌m w‌‌it‌‌h t‌‌h‌‌e d‌‌oo‌‌r o‌‌pe‌‌n a‌‌n‌‌d s‌‌ee‌‌s t‌‌ha‌‌t t‌‌h‌‌e m‌‌al‌‌e p‌‌atien‌‌t i‌‌‌‌s m‌‌asturbatin‌‌g f‌‌uriously‌‌. C‌‌onfused‌‌, h‌‌‌‌e t‌‌urn‌‌s t‌‌‌‌o t‌‌h‌‌e n‌‌urs‌‌e a‌‌n‌‌d a‌‌sks‌‌, “‌‌Wha‌‌t t‌‌h‌‌e h‌‌el‌‌l i‌‌‌‌s g‌‌oin‌‌g o‌‌‌‌n h‌‌ere?!‌‌”

T‌‌h‌‌e n‌‌urs‌‌e r‌‌eplies‌‌, “Yo‌‌u s‌‌ee‌‌, t‌‌hi‌‌s m‌‌a‌‌n h‌‌a‌‌s a‌‌‌‌ s‌‌eriou‌‌s c‌‌onditio‌‌n w‌‌her‌‌e i‌‌‌‌f h‌‌‌‌e d‌‌oe‌‌s n‌‌o‌‌t m‌‌asturbat‌‌e p‌‌rofusel‌‌y e‌‌ver‌‌y 2‌‌‌‌ h‌‌ours‌‌, a‌‌‌‌ b‌‌loo‌‌d c‌‌lo‌‌t w‌‌oul‌‌d f‌‌or‌‌m a‌‌n‌‌d h‌‌‌‌e w‌‌oul‌‌d s‌‌urel‌‌y d‌‌ie.‌‌”

“‌‌Oh‌‌, I‌‌‌‌ g‌‌ues‌‌s I‌‌‌‌ c‌‌a‌‌n u‌‌nderstan‌‌d t‌‌hat”, s‌‌ay‌‌s t‌‌h‌‌e m‌‌an‌‌.

S‌‌‌‌o t‌‌he‌‌y k‌‌ee‌‌p w‌‌alking‌‌, a‌‌n‌‌d i‌‌‌‌n t‌‌h‌‌e n‌‌ex‌‌t r‌‌oo‌‌m h‌‌‌‌e f‌‌ind‌‌s a‌‌‌‌ m‌‌al‌‌e p‌‌atien‌‌t r‌‌eceivin‌‌g a‌‌‌‌ b‌‌lo‌‌w j‌‌o‌‌b f‌‌ro‌‌m a‌‌‌‌ n‌‌urse‌‌. S‌‌‌‌o t‌‌h‌‌e m‌‌a‌‌n t‌‌urn‌‌s t‌‌‌‌o t‌‌h‌‌e n‌‌urs‌‌e e‌‌scortin‌‌g h‌‌i‌‌m a‌‌n‌‌d p‌‌roclaims‌‌, “‌‌Ok‌‌, n‌‌o‌‌w y‌‌o‌‌u h‌‌av‌‌e s‌‌om‌‌e e‌‌xplainin‌‌g t‌‌‌‌o d‌‌o.‌‌”

T‌‌h‌‌e n‌‌urs‌‌e s‌‌hrugs‌‌, “‌‌Sam‌‌e p‌‌roblem‌‌, b‌‌ette‌‌r insurance.”

Two guys are driving at night.

Passenger: Why should I have to wear a mask if yours works?

Driver: Damn good point, turns off headlights.

Passenger: What are you doing it’s dark.

Driver: Hey, the other cars have them on.

A woman is sitting at her recently deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”. “No, go right ahead”, the woman replies.

The man stands, clears his throat, says, “Plethora”, and sits back down.

“Thanks”, the man says, “that means a lot”.

COVID is bringing everyone a little closer to being Batman.

Either you are wearing a mask or your parents are dead.

(But Batman is wearing a mask AND his parents are dead.)

(He wasn't wearing a mask when his parents died. Lesson learned.)

Two of my friends and I were bragging about who has more sex.

My first friend said, "You all have nothing on me. I go to the bar and bring home a woman every night. Not only that but I drive a corvette into work every day and have an 8 inch penis. I have slept with more than 1,000 women"

My second friend said, "Oh yeah? Well, I'm the top gynecologist doctor at the most highly rated hospitals in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I'm at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis. I have slept with well over 5,000 women."

I said, "I have you all beat. I screwed everyone that was expecting a punchline at the end of this joke."

The family is eating dinner. The son asks the father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20's, a woman's breasts are like melons, round, and firm. In her 30's and 40's, they are similar to pears, hanging a little. After 50, the breasts are like onions; they make you cry." This makes the mother and daughter angry. The daughter asks, "Mother, how many different kinds of willies are there?" The mother responds, "Well dear, a man also goes through three phases. In his 20's, the willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In the man's '30s and '40s, it's like a birch, flexible but reliable. After 50, it's exactly like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" The daughter asks. The mother smiles."Yes, dead from the root up, and the balls are just for decoration."

There are different types of people.

A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.

An optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel.

A realist sees a freight train.

But the engineer sees 3 idiots standing on the tracks.

If you suck at playing the trumpet...

...that's probably why.

A man takes his place in the theatre, but his seat is too far from the stage.

He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat and I'll give you a handsome tip". The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. The usher looks at the quarter in his hand, leans over and whispers, "The wife did it".

My friend sadly went to jail for something he didn't do.

He didn't wipe his fingerprints off of the gun.

I will not take this lying down!

I will not stand for this either!

America's curve is flattening alright.

Just vertically instead of horizontally.

I tried starting an anarchist community.

Nobody would follow the rules.

The pharmacist said they only have the generic version of my laxative medication.

I said, "I guess I'll have to make doo with that".

I have an Asian friend who never says anything untrue.

Literal Lee.