4857 - Saturday jokes

The alphabet in 2021: ABDFGHJKLMNOQSVWXYZ.
There will be no more ER, ICU, or TP.


A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.
The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103 when she died.
She left behind 14 children,
30 grandchildren,
45 great-grandchildren,
25 great-great-grandchildren,
and a 40-foot hole in the ground where the 'Crematorium' used to be.


My ex just called and asked if she can sleep at my place because a stalker has been coming to her house at night.
So nice of her to save me the gas money.


A man was waiting for a bus one day when he noticed a young blonde woman digging a hole and another blonde immediately filling the hole back in with dirt. He watches as they move up the street doing this over and over again. The first blonde digs a hole, and the second one fills the dirt right back in. After a few minutes, he decides to ask them, "Excuse me, what are you ladies doing?"
"We're working", the first blonde replies.
"Just the two of you?", He inquires.
"Well", the second blonde chimes in, "there's usually three of us, but the girl that plants the trees called in sick".


Headline: "Man To Divorce His Wife". He said she smeared glue all over his firearms. He told reporters, "She denied it, but I'm sticking to my guns!"


I was in the old West riding in a stagecoach. Suddenly, a man riding a horse pulls up to the left side of the stagecoach, and a riderless horse pulls up on the right.
The man leans down, pulls open the door, and jumps off his horse into the stagecoach. Then he opens the other door and jumps onto the other horse.
Just before he rode off, I yelled out, "What was all that about?"
He replied, "Nothing. It's just a stage I'm going through."


The CEO of Pepsi was fired today.
They found traces of Coke in his system.


I work in a factory that makes McDonald's french fries. One of my co-workers told me yesterday that he's always wanted to put his dick in the Potato Peeler. I tried to talk him out of it, but I could tell he had already made his mind up to do it. I saw him today; he was clearing out his desk. "So you went ahead and did it?" "Yeah, and I got caught, so they fired me." "And what about the Potato Peeler?" I asked. "They fired her too."


My wife told me that “sex is better on holiday”.
Not the best postcard I’ve ever gotten.


3 guys bet on who can make their wife scream more from sex.
They make the bet and decide to all go home and have sex with their wives and compare results the next day.
Next day comes along and they meet to discuss. Guy #1 says, “I screwed my wife so hard, she was screaming for like 20 minutes.” Guy #2 says, “That’s nothing. I screwed my wife with a dildo in her ass at the same time and she was screaming for an hour!” Guy #3 says, “Amateurs! I screwed my wife for 15 seconds, came on the curtains, and she’s still screaming at me!”


My last relationship ended because I didn’t open the car door for her. Instead, I swam up to the surface.


Little Johnny came home and ran to his mother.
"Mommy! I was on the bus with Daddy and he made me stand up so a woman could sit down."
"Well, how kind of your daddy! You should learn from him."
Johnny then frowned.
"I was sitting on Daddy's lap".


The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup.
I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."


Little Johnny is sitting in anatomy class.
The teacher is pointing at a map of the body and telling the kids about what each part of the body does. She points at the penis on the diagram and says, "This is the penis. Every boy has one penis and it is for--"
"Hey, teacher," Little Johnny interrupts, "that's not right. My daddy has two penises."
The teacher shakes her head in confusion and says, "Two penises? What do you mean? That's impossible!"
Little Johnny replies, "No, it's not! I've seen both of them. He has a little one for when he's going pee pee, and a big one when he's brushing my aunt's teeth."


I miss my dad. Before he left, he gave me this piece of advice.
Advi


I'‌‌m dating an Englis‌‌h teacher who keeps correcting my grammar during sex.
Sh‌‌e get‌‌s particularly annoyed about my improper use of the colon.


A bodybuilder sees a group of beautiful women flocking around a skinny guy at the gym one day.
The bodybuilder is baffled. He asks his friend, "What the hell do they see in that wimp?"
"I hear he can bench press a hundred pounds," says the friend.
"A hundred pounds?!?" the bodybuilder snorts. "Hell, I can bench press over three hundred and fifty!"
The friend raises an eyebrow. "With your tongue?"


What's the bad thing about eating a clock?
It's time consuming.


You hear the one about the guy who’s sexually attracted to clocks?
Well, it's about fucking time.


2019: Stay away from negative people.
2020: Stay away from positive people.


Oh man, you know what my favorite thing about being Russian is?
Getting to vote in American elections.


4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!
Man, I hate babies.