4872 - Saturday jokes

Give a man a gun and he'll rob a bank. 

Give a man a bank and he'll rob everyone.

Why do white girls always travel in odd numbers? 

Because they literally can’t even.

A KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old Jewish man reading a book.

“What are you reading, old man?” he asks.

“I’m learning Hebrew, comrade,” replies the old Jew.

The KGB agent asks, “What are you learning Hebrew for? You know it takes years to get permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one.”

“I’m learning Hebrew for when I go to heaven so I can speak with Moses and Abraham,” replies the old man.

“How do you know you’re going to heaven? What if you go to hell?” asks the KGB agent.

“I already speak Russian."

Flight attendant, "Is there a doctor onboard?"

Dad, nudging me, "That should have been you."

Me, "Not now dad."

Dad, "Not asking for graphic designer help, are they?"

Me, "Dad, there's a medical emergency happening right now."

Dad, "Why don't you save him as a PDF and see if that helps."

When a kid says, " Daddy, I want mommy", that's the kid version of, "I'd like to speak to your supervisor."

Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee. "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly? The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing."

Did you hear about the Amish Flu? 

There are only two symptoms. First, you get a little hoarse, then you get a little buggy. 

How do we know that Adam and Eve were Mennonite? 

Who else would be alone in a garden with a naked woman and be tempted by a piece of fruit? 

A science teacher tells his class, "Oxygen is a must for breathing and life. It was discovered in 1773." A blonde student responds, "Thank God I was born after 1773!

Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to enjoy with dinner.

The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the Devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!" The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still, the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?" The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody!"

An old woman asks a sex shop clerk, “Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy pppinkk dddiiillldooossss, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk aaand rrunns by bbaatteries?”

The clerk responds, “Yes we do.”

She asks, “Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo tturrrnnn ttthe ssuma aaffabbiiiitttccchh offffff?”

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"

She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."

"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is, "she complained, "it wakes me up!"

A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"

He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"

"Wow, that's amazing!" - says the wife - "But this is very strange, dear, yesterday she seemed to be on her deathbed, the doctors said she should have a few days to live!"

"Well, I don't know how she was yesterday" - he replied - "But today when I arrived at the hospital, the doctor told me that we should prepare for the worst"

My wife and I came across 6 men beating up my mother-in-law.

My wife asked, "Aren't you going to help?"

I said, "No, 6 should be enough."

My mother in law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed, I didn't know they worked.

I caught my son chewing electrical cords so I had to ground him. 

He's doing better currently, and now conducting himself properly.

My neighbor just got arrested for growing weed.

I guess my property line isn't where I thought it was.

Did you ever hear about the Mexican train killer?

He had locomotives.

When I saw my ex-wife with her new boyfriend, I couldn’t believe how much he looked like me when we were still together.

Miserable.

A beautiful blonde girl goes to the casino with all her cash and sits at the roulette desk. She goes to the clerk and asks if she can play being nude.

The amused clerk asked, "This is an open club and you are free to do anything you want but why would you do something like this?", to which the blonde replies, "It's just that my luck is off the roof when I play nude".

The clerk allows and she strips down until there's nothing on her body. The entire crowd surrounds the table to watch this woman take a shot at her luck.

The roulette spins and as soon as it stops, the blonde starts jumping in excitement screaming, "I won. I won", took all her winnings and left the casino.

After she leaves, one of the men who watched everything unfold asks the clerk, "What did she bet on?"

Moral of the story - Not all blondes are stupid.

Three Irishmen are walking home after a night at the pub.

They're all a bit pissed and decided to take the shortcut through the churchyard. As they pass the gravestones, one Irishman says to the others, "Look at this, boys. Ol' Patrick Flannigan lived 'til 85". Another of the men says, "Ah, that's nothing. Davie O'Toole is buried here. He lived to be 97." The third Irishman, a bit farther from the others, says, "Ah, they were kiddies compared to this old bastard. He lived to be 134." The others are shocked and one asks, "What was his name?" The third Irishman replies, "Miles from Dublin."

I met a kid outside the mall crying, he had lost his $200.

So I gave him $40 from the $200 I found. When God blesses you, you must bless others.

A couple is celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary.

They rent the same hotel room they spent their honeymoon in. The wife undresses and says, "25 years ago, when you first saw me naked, what were you thinking?" The husband says, "I was thinking that I wanted to screw your brains out and suck your tits dry!"

"And what are you thinking right now?" she asked playfully. 

He said, "I'm thinking I did a pretty good job."

My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high the air conditioning bill is.

I told him, "My door is always open."

"Mr. President, what would you say is your best lie to the American people?"

"I have never lied to the American people."

"Excellent choice, Mr. President."

Everyone was excited at the Autopsy Club.

It was Open Mike Night.

Women love a man brimming with confidence.

Because, without that, what's to destroy?

Whenever my wife starts to sing, I immediately go stand in the front yard.

I don’t want any of the neighbors to think I’m hitting her.

A man suspected his wife was cheating on him.

He came home at lunchtime and snuck in the house, to find his wife with another man on top of her. So he hit the guy upside the head with a lamp, knocking him out cold.

When the guy woke up, he was in the detached garage with his dick trapped in a vise with the handle broken off, so there was no way to open it. He saw the husband digging in the tool chest and pulling out a hack saw.

"OH MY GOD!" He screamed at the husband. "ARE YOU GOING TO CUT MY DICK OFF?"

"Nope," said the husband, tossing him the hack saw, "You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."

What did the male magnet say to the female magnet?

Seeing you from the back, I thought you were repulsive. But seeing you from the front, I find you rather attractive.

After days of getting the cold shoulder from his wife, Larry finally confronted her.

"Admit it," he said. "The only reason you married me is because my grandfather left me a million dollars."

"Don't be ridiculous!" she shot back. "I don't care who left you the money."