Saturday, September 05, 2020

4894 - Saturday jokes

Girl: Come over.
Guy: I'm coming over.
Girl: We should stop using Walkie-Talkies in bed over.

I know several jokes in sign language.
I guarantee nobody has ever heard them.

Just got a job as a senior director at Old McDonald's farm.
I'm the CIEIO.

I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.

Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball when suddenly a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head.
First woman: “Not my husband“.
Second woman: “You’re right, that’s not one of our husbands”.
Third: “I don’t think he’s even a member of the club.“

Why are hurricanes usually named after women?
Because when they come, they are wild and wet. 
But when they leave, they take your house and your car.

I bought 10 asparagus at the store but when I got home I realized I had 11.
It was just a spare, I guess.

My favorite childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandmother...
until my mom took the urn from me.

There was an alcoholic man in a village who sought help from the village's only doctor. "Tell me about your problem", said the doc. "I just can't stop drinking and nothing can help me, I am an alcoholic", said helplessly the man.
"I will fix that!", said the doc and started fucking the alcoholic in the ass. After it was over, he said "Now, if you drink one more time, I will tell everyone in the village how I fucked you up in the ass!" The man, scared that things can go really wrong if the doc started talking, stopped drinking alcohol. In the third year of him being alcohol free, he saw his friends celebrating in the center of the village.
"Oh, my man, how are you, come and have some drinks with us!", one of his friends said.
"Thank you for the invitation but I stopped drinking 3 years ago"
"Don't worry, bro, the doc died last night"

I've been squatting at the gym.
I sleep in one of the lockers. 

Robin: Where are you, Batman?
Batman: I'm on my way, I was in the bathroom.
Robin: What's a hroom?

An anteater walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Can I get you a drink?"
"How about something to eat?"
"What about some peanuts?"
The bartender asks, "What's with the long no's!?"

The teacher started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition, or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass male student asks, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" causing the class to burst into laughter. After the laughter had subsided, the teacher told the student, "That's not a valid excuse. You can use your other hand to write."

A woman is breastfeeding on the bus but struggling to get her baby to suckle.
So she says to her baby, "Eat up now or I'm going to give it to that nice man over there" and points at the man sitting across from her.
10 mins later, "You have to eat, baby, or I will give to that man!"
5 mins later, "Baby come on now, I can't waste this milk so you have to eat or I'm giving it to that man".
At this point the gentleman sitting across from her yells,
"FFS Make up your mind lady, my stop was 3 stops ago!"

If you ever find yourself being chased by a pack of Taxidermists,
Never play dead.

Breaking News: Putin orders a full investigation and promises severe punishment for whoever poisoned opposition politician Navalny...

My friend has this strange condition that makes him sneeze whenever someone greets him.
He reckons it's Heyfever.

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom.
There he saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.
Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

I can bring a Lady to complete ecstasy with one hand.
To be clear, Lady is my cat's name, and the hand in question operates the electric can opener.

What does a nosey pepper do?
Get jalapeƱo business.

A ten-year-old girl asks her mum. In 2030.
Girl: Mummy? Who's my daddy?
Mummy: I don't know honey, he was wearing a mask.

I was just having a quiet pint by myself in a half-empty pub when some guy comes over.
"Would you mind moving, that's my seat."
Seeing as though I'd been there an hour, and there was plenty of other empty seats, I politely refused.
He started getting quite aggressive at that point, saying, "I've never seen you in here before, I've sat in that seat every Saturday night for the past ten years, so move it".
Still refusing, the guy walked right up to me, passed me two sticks, and said, "Well you play the fucking drums then."

How does the Pope purchase items from eBay?
He uses PaPal.

My wife doesn't realize I'm not complimenting her cooking,
when I say, "you remind me of Gordon Ramsay".


Elephant's Child said...

Lots of goaners today.
I liked the quick thinking teacher though (and bet his response got even more laughter than the student's question).

Mike said...

EC - Sometimes I wish I was ambidextrous. Life would be a little more interesting.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

"a spare, I guess" -- GROAN!

Mike said...

DSWS - It was kind of corny.

Ole Phat Stu said...

Why is Trump so against coloured people?
It's not like he was even white himself ;-)

Mike said...

OPS - He's a one of a kind orange bigot. He doesn't like anyone except himself.

allenwoodhaven said...

Some good laughs; thanks!

Actually, I don't think the orange one really like himself that much, though he'd never admit it, even to himself. He's got early formative attachment issues...

Mike said...

AW - You're probably right.