4957 - Saturday jokes

 

Friend, "What's your body count?"

Me, "For what?"

Friend, "People you've slept with."

Me, "Ohhhh! I thought you saw the basement..."

Friend, "What?"

Me, "What?"

I would like to donate fat instead of blood.

How do you throw a party in outer space?

You planet.

What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

The people of Dubai don’t like the Flintstones, but the people of Abu Dhabi do.

With so many sporting events canceled, they're going to televise the World Origami Championships. 

It's on Paperview.

Sean Connery died on 10/31/20.

1+0+3+1+2+0 = 007

Routine physical exam today. When asked about my mood, I replied, “If I wasn’t depressed and anxious, you should consider me out of touch with reality.”

My kids were asking me how democracy works, so I let them vote on dinner as a teaching exercise. They picked pizza. But I made tacos, because they don't live in a swing state.

What happens when you do nothing about a respiratory pandemic?

Your followers turn blue.

“Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea,” a patient told his urologist on the phone. “The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.”

“OK, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the doc soothed. “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”

“But, Doc, I’ve been screwing the maid, too, and I’ve got the same symptoms he has.”

“Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor.

“Well,” the man admitted, “I think my wife now has it, too.”

“Son of a bitch!” the physician hollered, “That means we’ve all got it!”

Trump didn't do too well with Trump University.

And he's not looking good at Electoral College either.

I used to get angry every time I'd hear someone say, “Trump 2020”.

If only I'd known it was an expiration date.

I won the lottery today!

Well, I only got the first two numbers, but my lawyers are working on having them stop the count.

What do democracy and football have in common?

Adding the word American completely changes the meaning.

I’m an only child...

Finally.

When all's said and done it's been an impressive show from both Biden and Trump.

Who would have thought two old guys in their 70s could maintain an election for this long?

I guess the TV ads were lying to us all the time.

Aren’t you supposed to call the doctor if your election lasts this long?

Did you hear Trump is going back to television?

Yeah. He signed on with The Biggest Loser.

I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”.

I was quite surprised that “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.

Why are you sitting at the window while your wife is singing?

"I don't want people to think I am beating her".

A man in Saudi Arabia got caught stealing hand sanitizer.

He won't be needing it anymore.

What's the difference between Biden and a slow, phony, fake, crooked, corrupt politician?

About 4 million votes.

My dad told me never to go to a cheap, dirty, raunchy strip club because you'll see something you really shouldn't.

So I went.

And I saw my dad.

I told myself I really need to quit drinking

But why should I listen to a drunk who talks to himself?

From the year that brought you 8 months of March.

Welcome to Tuesday Part 6.

WARNING: 18!

6.402373706×10^15

(I had to think about this.)

If there is a violent riot tonight in Philadelphia.

We won't really know if it's a protest or celebration.