Saturday, November 21, 2020

4973 - Saturday jokes

Eyelashes are supposed to keep things from getting in your eyes. But when I do have something in my eye, it's always an eyelash. I think that's eyeronic.

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "I need you to come over and help me with this jigsaw puzzle." Her boyfriend asks, "What's it supposed to be when it's finished? "The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box it's supposed to be a rooster." So her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. When she lets him in she takes him to the table where she has all the pieces spread out. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." He then takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," He said with a deep sigh..."Let's put all these corn flakes back in the box."

Apparently putting Alka Seltzer in my mouth while getting baptized and pretending I'm possessed by the devil is not funny.

I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her fitness trainer. 
Me, "Okay, this isn't working out."

Paddy says to Mick, "I found this pen. Is it yours?"
Mick replies, "I don't know, give it here."
He tries it and says, "Yes it is!"
Paddy asks, "How do you know?"
Mick says, "That's my handwriting!"

If a turtle loses its shell, is it naked or homeless?

Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii, or just a low ha?

I went to a bookstore recently. Someone was throwing Stephen King books at everyone. I wondered why they were doing that. Then IT hit me.

If you boil a funny bone, it becomes laughing stock. Now that's humerus.

A world-renowned chemist dies. His will states that he wishes for all of his favorite elements from the periodic table to be included with his body. They go to his wife and ask, "Are we really going to put a bunch of elements in his casket? To which she replies, "No, just Barium".

Want to know where I store all my dad jokes? In a dad-a-base.

How do babies keep track of their fathers?
They use an extensive dada-base.

I thought I got a job building Egyptian tombs.
Turned out to be a pyramid scheme.

(quarantine, day 274)
I've started taking calls from telemarketers. Some of them are actually quite nice. Fred at Superior Auto Insurance has a new baby.

My wife gets angry that I keep introducing her as my ex-girlfriend.

The recipe said set the oven to 180 degrees. Now I can't open the oven. The door is facing the wall.

People that misuse to and too upset me. It happens far two often.

A woman goes to the doctor looking fantastic. Hair and makeup done by a professional, Gucci heels, Versace dress, and Prada purse. "I've been stung by a nasty insect of some kind," she tells the doctor, "...but I'm ashamed to tell you where." "It's okay," says the doctor. "Our communication is privileged; I won't tell anyone." "Okay," says the woman, "It was at Walmart."

Whenever my artist girlfriend is sad I let her draw things on my body.
I give her a shoulder to crayon.

How can you tell the difference between a nerd and someone with a BDSM fetish?
Ask them what's a dungeon master.

Grandma found a lump under her left breast but the Dr. said it's ok.
It was just her kneecap.

Talking to my X... Hey, what's up?
Talking to my Y...


Sun: Greg, Mon: Ian, Tue: Greg, Wed: Ian, Thur: Greg, Fri: Ian, Sat: Greg
It's the Gregorian calendar.

What does a man do when he stays a virgin for his whole life?
Invents calculus and screws all the coming generations.

A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz", the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity". So, he removed it. Stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. "I have something to show you won't believe, he said to his wife, opening his briefcase." "My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"

My girlfriend has an Onlyfans account and it's doing really well.
I just have to figure out how to break the news to her.

My 4-year-old sister has been learning Spanish.
But she still doesn't know how to say "please", which I think is poor for four.

What do you call the monk in charge of lighting in the monastery?
The Gregorian candler.

We are all like Stormy Daniels now.
Just waiting for him to finish.


Elephant's Child said...

But will he pay us as much as he paid Stormy?
And a turtle without a shell is naked AND homeless.

Mike said...

EC - I doubt it. He'll probably try to make us pay.

Looney John said...

Mike, i dont usually contribute to the joke sections over the week-end but heres one i thought of: "Whats the difference between the quite astonishing 17 year-old Pauline Hickey from 1985 and the buxomly breathtaking 18 year-old Lisa Phillips from 1988 ?. Hardly any, except that, strickly speaking, Lisa wasn`t quite as astounding as Pauline". OK, i admit that as a joke it wasn`t that funny its just that i wondered whether you agreed with its premise ?.

Mike said...

LJ - Her?

Looney John said...

Cheers Mike, Lisa is the ONLY other bird out of literally thousands (besides the legendary Pauline of course) from the old days that i still look at pictures of on a regular basis. Like i said, not quite as stunning as Pauline, but almost. I`ll certainly nip over to that site you girl-tioned because there might be some videos on there from 32 years ago (or the late eighties in general) that i still haven`t seen yet, once again thanks.

Infidel753 said...

putting Alka Seltzer in my mouth while getting baptized and pretending I'm possessed by the devil is not funny

Oh yes it is.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

You saved the best for last, LOL!

Mike said...

I753 - I'm going to look for a Youtube video. Somebody has to have done that.

DSWS - It's taking sooooo long.

allenwoodhaven said...

Schwartz is dead is a classic. Good ones; thanks once again!

Mike said...

AW - I have to bring back some of the classics for the young people that I think might come here. Maybe.

Kirk said...

You've got not one but TWO Gregorian calendar jokes. Can't wait for the year to end, huh?

Mike said...

K - I'm counting the gregorian days.

Bilbo said...

Sadly, I think we'll be waiting a lot longer than Stormy.

Mike said...

B - Sad but true. *** Two things. One, your icon on followers is missing. Two, I don't get an email when you comment. I think both of those things may be related. I think it has something to do with the old Google plus.