Sunday, November 22, 2020

4974 - Long joke Sunday

Things to do; things to watch out for; things to know; things...

1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight. (Except for me. 2AM is the new 4AM.)

4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

10.  If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you,  just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"

11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing. (Read this again!)

12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

13. I run like the winded.

14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.

15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."

19. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb. 

20.  Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere,  makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

21. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.


Elephant's Child said...

In the plural? If I get down there it is going to take a winch to get me up again.
Point 21? Snap. Sometimes the things I find in my head scare me too. Other times I laugh (evilly).

Mike said...

EC - I can do squats as long as come right back up. If I squat down when I'm working on something and am down there too long, it's a process getting back up.

RO said...

A few of these sure hit close to home and I thank you!(lol) Happy Sunday and hugs, RO

Mike said...

RO - WHen I found the list, I just kept going yep yep yep...

Bilbo said...

Number 16.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Ha ha, #9 is so true!

Mike said...

B - It makes it really hard to sneak around when you're popping and cracking every time you move.

DSWS - It's funny how that happens. WAIT! No, it's NOT!

John A Hill said...

#7 I make the conscious effort to get up sans sound effects.

Mike said...

JH - That's hard to do sometimes.

Ole Phat Stu said...

So it's not just me ... :-(

Mike said...

OPS - Gimme a number Stu! Gimme a number!