5022 - Saturday jokes

I saw two cows staring at me from behind a bush.

I think it was a steak out.

I have an eating disorder problem.

I'm about to eat...

dis order of fries,

dis order of wings,

and dis order of hamburgers.

You can tell how old you are by how many sounds you make when you stand up or sit down.

I'm about one million years old.

Went to M. C. Hammer’s house last night. 

He wouldn’t let me touch anything!

Studies show that cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them.

It's a case of in one ear and out the udder.

(Submitted by Ami)

Why does a milking stool have only three legs?
Because the cow has the udder.

*** Victor Borge - start...

We have three kids. One of each.

My grandfather invented the burglar alarm. Unfortunately, it was stolen before he could market it.

My grandfather also invented a soft drink called 4up. It never caught on. He then tried 5up. It failed. Then he tried 6up. It failed also. He died without ever succeeding in the soft drink business. 

My grandparents were so poor their child was born at home. When my grandmother saw her baby they had to take HER to the hospital.

One day my father came home and found me in front of a roaring fire. This upset him to no end because we didn't have a fireplace.

My father pointed at me and said something I shall never forget as long as I live. He said... mmmm ... He said... uhhhhh... hmmmmmm...

*** Victor Borge - end

Police: Where you going tonight?

Me: With you, once you run my name.

The Spaniards harvested quartz crystals and sent them by ship back to Europe.

It was then that it was first determined how many quartz were in a galleon.

I like to bump into people wearing camouflage so I can say, "Excuse me, I didn't see you."

The Genie asked, "What's your first wish?"

Steve said, "I wish I was rich!"

The Genie then said, "What's your second wish?"

Rich exclaimed, "I want lots of money!"

The hacker was so disappointed with my bank account he started a 'go fund me' page.

Who are all these people that 'lose' their appetite?

Mine never leaves me alone.

I tried to do a cartwheel the other day thinking it was like riding a bicycle.

It's not.

I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors won't ask me to watch their kids.

Alexa, playback the last 45 minutes of this argument so we can prove who said what.

Why is Milania always on top when she and Donny make love?

Because Donny can only fuck up.

Why do men love a woman in leather?

Because she smells like a new car.

"I'm telling you I've never been happier", said a woman. "I have two boyfriends. One is just fabulous. He's handsome, sensitive, caring, and considerate."

"What in the world do you need a second one for?" the friend asked.

"Oh", the first one replied, "the second one is straight."

I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today.

Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.

I showed up late for a Zoom meeting.

When asked for a reason, I confessed, "You wouldn't believe the network traffic".

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” The bartender inquired. “What makes you say that?” Bill explained, “Last week, I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around,

that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

I arrived early at  the restaurant. The manager said, "Do you mind waiting a bit?" I said, "No."

"Good", he said. "Take these drinks to table nine."

A kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring books. One boy went up to the teacher's desk and said, "I ain't got no crayons."

"You mean," she replied, "I don't have any crayons. You don't have any crayons. We don't have any crayons. They don't have any crayons. Do you see what I'm getting at?"

"Not really", said the boy. "What happened to all the damn crayons?!"

A husband bought his wife a mood ring so he could monitor her emotional swings. After a week of wearing the ring, he discovered that when she was in a good mood the stone on the ring turned green. But when she was in a bad mood, the stone left a big red mark on his forehead.

What's something a wife can say that will make her husband both happy and sad? 

"Your dick is bigger than your brother's."

What gets longer when pulled and works best when jerked?

A seatbelt.

A man's lying in a hospital bed, beaten up when his friend comes to visit.

Friend, "What happened to you?"

Man, "I was fighting for a woman's honor."

Friend, "Is she OK?"

Man, "Oh Yeah, it seems she wanted to keep it."

A Catholic, a Baptist, and a Morman were bragging about the size of their families. I have four boys and my wife is expecting another," said the Catholic. "One more son and I'll have a basketball team.

"That's nothing," said the Baptist. "I have 10 boys now, and my wife is pregnant. One more son and I'll have a football team."

"I have you both beat," said the Morman. I have 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course!"

Had a dry throat while eating. Started to choke on my food, so I drank some beer. I saved the day with a Heineken maneuver.

Someone just pulled into my driveway. Apparently just to turn around.

Now I'm outside with two open beers and feeling lonely.