5029 - Saturday jokes

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.

That’s just how I roll.

My wife texted me a selfie in a new dress and asked, "Does this make my butt look big?"

I texted back, "Noo!"

My phone autocorrected to "Moo!".

I need someplace to stay for a few weeks.

What did the sloth say when he was mugged by a bunch of snails?

It all happened so fast!

Him: I met a girl with 12 breasts!

Her: That sounds strange.

Him: Dozen tit?

“Ninety percent of the politicians give the other 10% a bad reputation.” - Henry Kissinger

My grief counselor died. Luckily he was so good I didn't care.

My neighbors made a sex tape. But they don't know it yet.

The other day a woman said I was a looker. Well, she actually said voyeur.

I hired a landscape gardener but he said he couldn't help because my garden was portrait.

Every Christmas day we always have pigs in blankets. Or as others say, relatives, sleeping in the spare room.

I don't like to eat anything called reformed ham. I think it's unfair that the pigs are slaughtered after they have gotten their lives back on track.

I went to see the stalactites at a cave and the guide asked us not to crack one off. But she wasn't even very attractive. But I still managed. It was very dark.

Our six year old refuses to eat anything but alphabet spaghetti. Luckily he's dyslexic so we just buy him regular spaghetti.

I've got the memory of an elephant. I remember one time I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.

Something that always catches my eye is short people with umbrellas.

I put on a lot of weight so I called weight watchers. I said, "Can you send somebody round to help me?" They said yes, "We've got lots of them."

I was watching TV and the announcer said there was a documentary on about the clitoris but I couldn't find it.

I was in a lingerie shop. I said are these underwear satin? She said no they're new. 

I got myself a memory foam mattress and now it's trying to blackmail me.

I went to a positive thinking course. It sucked.

As a family, we couldn't decide to have grandma buried or cremated. So we decided to let her live.

I sat in psychology class learning about Pavlov, thinking "those stupid dogs". Then the bell rang and we all went to lunch.

There's only one thing I don't like about Halloween, which is...

Christian friends of mine said that sex between two men was wrong in their eyes. I said you're right, it's supposed to be in the ass. 

I accidentally filled the escort with diesel. She died.

I always worry that when a woman sees me naked for the first time, she'll just scream and run out of the park.

Last year I bought my wife an artificial leg as a stocking filler.

A police officer came to my house and asked me where I was between 5 & 6. He seemed irritated when I said, "Kindergarten".

I don't like making plans for the day.

Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around the courtroom.

My friend once told me, "Your wife and daughter look like twins!"

I replied, "Yeah well, they were separated at birth".

My boss calls me "the computer".

I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

I caught my girlfriend cheating with a cop. I know I'm an anarchist but this isn't what I meant when I said "Fuck the Police."

Two black guys are in prison in the USA...

- How long are you in for?

- 20 years

- What did you do?

- Nothing.

- That's ridiculous, usually nothing only gets you 10 years.

What do you call someone who grows plants by watering them with blood?

A phlebotanist.