5043 - Saturday jokes

What’s considered trashy if you're poor, but classy if you're rich?  

Manipulating the stock market.

My friend couldn't afford to pay his water bill.

So I sent him a "get well soon" card.

My mother-in-law drowned in a well.

I didn’t know that wells still existed, let alone granted wishes.

A girl I’m hitting on just caught the Coronavirus.

I might have a chance now, as she’s lost all her taste.

And I just might take her breath away.

I was at a restaurant and a cute waitress was flirting with me. She gave me her email and told me to hit her up sometime. I tried to email her the next day but the internet was down. 

I couldn’t connect to the server.

My personal trainer said I did so well on the treadmill that next week she'll turn it on.

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.

Where does the white go when the snow melts?

I have a microwave fireplace. You can lie down in front of the fire for the evening in eight minutes.

I knew a guy that nearly went insane trying to take a close up photograph of the horizon.

I know the guy who invented Cliff’s notes. I asked him how, he said “Well, to make a long story short...”

I asked the judge if he knew what time it is, he did, and I said, "No further questions."

My friend used to be a radio announcer. When he walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear him talk.

I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.

I went to a museum that had all the arms and legs from all the statues from all the other museums.

A conversation I had once:

"I never repeat myself."

"What?"

"I said I never repeat myself!"

I took a course on speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only 10 minutes.

Don't make fun of the Post Office. One day they may find out where you live.

“I’d like to wish you a Happy Birthday.”

“Okay, go ahead.”

I'm trying to throw my garbage can away. I put it out every day. No luck yet.

The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work.

I went to an amusement park and saw a booth that said Tourist Information. So I walked over and said, 'Tell me about that family over there'.

I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.

I crastinated part-time for seven years before I went pro.

A conscience is what hurts when all the other parts feel good.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

My foot fell asleep. Now it will be awake all night.

Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clock’s broken and I’m wide awake, so I’m not sure who won.

Sometimes I like to use big words I don’t understand to make myself sound more photosynthesis.

To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You're a bad person.

TIL Albert Einstein was a real person. 

I had always thought he was only a theoretical physicist.

I can't decide what pants to put on today; smarty or fancy.

Am I exhausted? Yes!

Will I go to bed earlier? No!

They say a dog is a man’s best friend. But even my worst enemy would never stare directly into my eyes while taking a shit on my carpet.