5085 - Saturday jokes

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Note to my fellow old people. Do not sit on a floor without a plan on how you will get up.

Felt uncomfortable driving into the cemetery. The GPS blurted out 'you have reached your final destination'.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

A truck carrying Worcestershire sauce crashed.

Dispatcher: What's the situation?

Deputy: It's hard to say.

The four horsemen of procrastination...

Napping

Snacks

Social Media

Netflix

Interviewer: We're looking for someone who can do the work of two men.

Female interviewee: Oh, so the job's only part-time?

I fired myself from cleaning the house. I didn't like my attitude and I got caught drinking on the job.

I was taught to think before I act. So if I smack the shit out of you, rest assured, I've thought about it and I'm confident in my decision.

The good thing about waking up at 3:00AM to your kid standing next to your bed starring at you is you'll no longer fear death.

Please rate how crazy you think I am on a scale of 1 to 10, 6 being the highest.

A critic wrote a letter to author Flannery O'Conner complaining that "your book left a bad taste in my mouth".

Flannery wrote back, "You weren't supposed to eat it".

When I was a little kid we had a sandbox. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child ... eventually.

I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov's dog and Schrodingers cat.

She said it rang a bell but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.

Customer: We don't eat eggs, meat, fish, dairy, or gluten. What would you recommend?

Waitress: A taxi.

Do what you love and money will follow.

I ate pizza, drank wine, and took a 5-hour nap.

Now I wait.

The path to inner peace begins with four words.

Not my fucking problem.

Overthinking - The art of creating problems that don't exist.

Covid is no joke. One former patient was so brain-damaged afterward he thought he won an election that he lost by 8 million votes.

Sorry, I can't make it to work today. My dog just laid his head on my foot and well, that's that.

Her: Do men still open car doors?

Him: How do you think we get inside!

I'm a procrastinator. I never finish anyth

Her body tensed and quivered as she felt wave after wave surge through it.

I probably should have told her about the new electric fence.

Guy 1: Stop texting my GF!

Guy 2: Chill bro. She's dating both of us. You're my boyfriend-in-law.

What do you call an indecisive potato? 

A hesitater.

Trump would have never called anyone a Neanderthal because it has four syllables.

A scientist recently said that the “perfect earthquake” was going to strike the West Coast soon. The evidence to support his claim was on shaky ground.

For the Qanon believers who feel you're being mocked and ridiculed; it's not just a feeling.

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink. "Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wasn’t going to talk to me for a month.” Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know... a little peace and quiet?" "Yeah. But today is the last day.”

Panties are not the best thing in the world. But they're close to it.

Darrell was having trouble eating his soup. Some jokester had slipped his spoon in convex side up.

The only thing flat earthers fear, is sphere itself.

Cheese is just a loaf of milk.

Doc: Your body had run out of magnesium.

Me: 0mg!

I like my dental hygienist. I think she's really pretty. So before every visit, I eat an entire package of Oreo cookies. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the appointments.

A man was dumping toxic waste into a river. Suddenly, the sky darkened, lightning flashed, and a glowing woman appeared, hovering above the river. "For your crimes, I curse you to only speak in words related to water!", she intoned, and then vanished in another flash of lightning. The man stood, shocked, before gathering his wits and muttering, "Well dam".

Do gun manuals have a troubleshooting section?

I've just released my own fragrance. 

Nobody in the car seems to like it.

Spring is here. I'm so excited I wet my plants!

At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost.

Walking down the road, I ran into a farmer's wife. She was dragging along a huge barrel full of tomatoes. I said, "Hey, what are you gonna do with all those tomatoes?" The farmer's wife said, "Well, we eat what we can. And what we can't, we can."

I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else's property.

Autocorrect has become my worst enema.

A friend suggested putting horse manure on my strawberries.

I’m never doing that again, I’m going back to whipped cream.

I found out grandpa is addicted to viagra.

No one is taking it harder than grandma.