5099 - Saturday jokes

The ship stuck in the Suez should be named in honor of Mitch McConnell.

It's big, full of crap, and obstructing everything in its path.

I recently wrote a sitcom about airplanes. It never took off. The pilot was terrible.

She was wearing unscented perfume. It came in a little empty bottle.

My friend writes songs about sewing machines.

He's a Singer songwriter, or sew it seams.

Do not regret past mistakes. All decisions, good or bad, led you to where you are today.

Disregard this if you are in prison. 

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

You know when you buy a bag of salad and it gets all brown and soggy?

Cookies don't do that.

Always support bacteria.  They're the only culture some people have.

A son tells his father, "I have an imaginary girlfriend." 

The father sighs and says, "You know, you could do better."

"Thanks, Dad," the son says.

The father shakes his head and goes, "I was talking to your girlfriend."

Mom: "Have you seen the dog bowl?"

Dad: "No, I didn't know he could."

Mom: "I'm exhausted. I was up until 4AM with the baby".

Dad: "It's probably not a good idea to keep the baby up that late."

Dad: "Our neighbor died."

Mom: "Who, Ray?"

Dad: "I don't think cheering is appropriate Karen."

Irony...

Hyphenated

Non-hyphenated

A Catholic priest announces at church one day, "I will be in Rome next week. If any of you have a wish, I will light a candle in Rome so that the wish will come true." A woman announces, "My husband and I have been married for several years, but have never borne any children. Can you light a candle so that we can have children?" "I will do that," says the priest. Five years later, the woman says to the priest, "Since you went to Rome and lit that candle, I have given birth to two pairs of twins and a set of triplets, and now I am pregnant with quadruplets!" She then gives the priest a plane ticket to Rome. "You are too kind," says the priest. "You don't need to thank me." "I'm not thanking you," says the woman. "I just want you to blow out that candle."

My friend asked me to stop singing “I’m a Believer”. I thought she was joking. But then I saw her face.

You know the song by Starship, "Nothings Gonna Stop Us Now?" My neighbors like that song, whether they want to or not.

A young artist exhibits his work for the first time and a well know art critic is in attendance. The critic says to the young artist, "Would you like my opinion on your work?"

"Yes," says the artist.

"It's worthless," says the critic.

The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."

I had a hen that could count her own eggs. She was a mathemachicken.

Flat earthers seemed confused when they realize they are breathing air from the atmosphere and not the atmosflat.

When a person is in the water and a shark bites them, can the shark claim the castle doctrine as a defense?

I got a paper cut writing my suicide note. It’s a start.

Guy bread: You think I'm gonna be the breadwinner while you just loaf all day? You aren't the only slice of toast in the world, Melba.

Girl bread: Mother warned me not to marry a sourdough.

There's a movie about an eagle swooping down and grabbing a fish.

The fish says, "Oh, sure, grab a defenseless fish while he isn't looking, big tough guy!"

The movie is called "To Mock a Killing Bird".

If you need help with English, I'm hear.

Boycott shampoo!

Demand the REAL poo!

Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is a complete idiot. 

I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called, "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring."

ALERT: DUI checkpoint at the corner of kitchen and hallway.

Koi fish always travel in groups of four, because while the A koi, the B koi, and the C koi escape, the preditor will always go after the D koi.

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup.

As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red 'H' on her chest.

"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest.

"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest.

"Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.

She says, "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin."

A woman can fake an orgasm for the sake of a relationship.

A man can fake a relationship for the sake of an orgasm.

My wife of 15 years has just told me she has been faking her orgasms every time we've had sex.

I can't believe she lied to me, not once, but twice.

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch, and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap." The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with six children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"

My wife and kids are threatening to walk out of the house because of my addiction to horse racing.

And they’re off!

When the rider celebrates before crossing the finish line...

That's called premature jockey elation.

My crush just sneezed and I accidentally said "bless you".

Now she's staring at the bushes, confused, wondering who said that.