5106 - Saturday jokes

BOOM!

Mom: What was that?

Me: My shirt fell.

Mom: It sounded a lot heavier than that.

Me: I was in it.

Her: My new boyfriend is a diamond cutter.

Me: Wow, I'm impressed.

Her: Don't be. He mows the lawn at the ballpark.

I told my brother, "My wife ran off with my best friend Joe yesterday." 

My brother looked at me funny for a minute then asked, "Since when was Joe your best friend?"

I looked back and replied, "Since yesterday."

The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's been telling lies." 

I said, "Tell him, he's damn good at lying. I don't have any kids”.

Wife: Will you stop yawning when I'm talking to you?

Husband: I'm not yawning. I'm trying to say something!

Due to the current economic situation in the world, I’ve started a dating site for chickens. 

It’s not my full-time job, I’m just doing it... to make hens meet.

I found a book about an amazing basement.

It was the best cellar.

God creating ducks...

"Waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo."

A woman gave birth in her car on the way to the hospital and her husband named the kid Carson.

Why do I have a telephone with a receiver and an old dial? Because tapping the "end call" button is not nearly as satisfying as slamming the receiver down.

What we really need is a law that makes it illegal to give Senators food and water while they're filibustering.

When someone looks at me while I'm walking, coordinated walking goes out the window.

I hate it when people ask me what I'm doing tomorrow. I don't even know what I'm doing right now.

When you and a co-worker see everything falling apart at work but don't get paid enough to give a shit.

It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong.

My neighbor is a 90 year old with Alzheimer's, I see him every morning and he asks me if I've seen his wife.  Every day I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question. But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.

After spending a solid two weeks with no one but myself, I'm starting to narrow down the source of many of my problems and you're not going to believe this.

I know how to increase gas mileage. It's so simple and easy. Just make the gallon bigger.

Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%.

I'm so lucky people can't hear what I'm thinking.

I'm grateful that thoughts don't appear in bubbles over my head.

https://www.iflscience.com/health-and-medicine/masturbating-frequently-reduces-risk-of-prostate-cancer/

Patient: Well, you see the problem is obesity runs in my family. 

Doctor: No, the problem is nobody runs in your family. 

I'm actually pretty good in bed. I hardly ever fall out anymore.

Space could be filled with vampires but we would never know because telescopes use mirrors.

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

Avoid the top of the bell curve. Everybody there is mean.

Corals can die when they get stressed. What do corals get stressed about? Current events.

I once tried to buy a house on an old Indian reservation. When I asked if it came with running water the chief told me “find your own wife”.

If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?

Every time I take up exercising I meet new people. Usually paramedics, but still new people.

Sometimes when I see people jogging outside, I like to drive slowly down the road behind them blasting "Eye of the Tiger" just to give them some motivation.

Just made a keep fit video for the elderly. It's called pumping rust.

Power walking looks a lot like people who have taken too many laxatives and just realized they might not make it home in time.

I did double my morning exercise this morning. Must stop forgetting things upstairs.

If you love someone, set them free.

If they come back, it means nobody else liked them.

Set them free again.

Her: You never listen to me. You only hear what you want to hear.

Him: Sure, I'll have a beer.

I'm walking down the street when out of nowhere a shellfish falls out of the sky and hits me in the head. Dazed, I pick up the mollusk and say, "Where did you come from, little guy?" The shell creases open slightly and I hear it say, "A tornado picked me and threw me. You better get somewhere safe, it's headed this way!" I look around and see mostly blue skies, except for a few clouds. That's when I realized it was the clam before the storm.

I think my toilet has anger issues. Whenever I flush it, it completely loses its shit.

Today I completed a chore I've been putting off for six months.

It took 15 minutes.

I will learn nothing from this.

T: Isn't it weird how we pay money to see other people?

J: You mean concerts, movies, or prostitution?

T: Glasses.

What's the difference between a Computer and an American? 

An American does not have troubleshooting.

#whoremembers

If you first read that as "whore members", we're probably already friends.

I think people that use the wrong word...

should have the humidity to admit it. 

My friend got a degree in Egyptology but can't get a job. So, he's paying more money to get a Ph.D. so he can work teaching other people Egyptology. In his case, college is literally a pyramid scheme. 

(And he's still living with his mummy.)

A man was admitted to the hospital with 25 plastic toy horses inserted in his rectum. His condition was listed as stable.

When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50.

That's inflation for ya!

What do you call half of a thousand native American insomniacs? 

The Indian nap-less 500.

The CEO of Pepsi was just fired. He tested positive for Coke.

You can't blame anyone else if you fall in your own driveway.

That's your own asphalt.

NO NO... We're a Buddhist colony. BUDDIST, with a B!