Saturday, April 17, 2021

5120 - Saturday jokes

Teacher: "Can anyone give me examples of things that are useless?"
Me: *raises hand*
Teacher: "Very good, any other examples?"

I left my last girlfriend because she wouldn't stop counting.
I wonder what she's up to now?

Mom: Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.
Son: What's that got to do with anything?
Mom: It's pasture bedtime.

I just bought a book...
From IKEA.

My password at work is INCORRECT. So when I type the wrong one I get a reminder... YOUR PASSWORD IS INCORRECT.. whey hey!

Agent 1: See, she searched for chloroform, blood spatter patterns, acid that dissolves bodies, various weapons, and the difference between the degrees of murder charges. Should we set her as a security risk?
Agent 2: No, look here. She also searched for coffee memes and about three dozen synonyms for the word 'carefully'. It's just another damn writer. Move on.

What do dentists call x-rays?
Tooth pics!

My dentist was telling me an overly long story about the injection needle, so I told him to get to the point. 

I asked my dentist what was his fave rock band and he said Gums and Molars.

I'm reading a horror story in braille. 
Something bad is going to happen. 
I can feel it.

I was blessed with a 9-inch penis.
The priest is in jail now.

Why does Shaggy always let Scooby roll their joints?
Because shaggy's joints don't always turn out good but Scooby's doobies do.

What do you call a person with 2 donkeys?

I'm down with social distancing, but I think my local grocery store has gone too far.
They've put a big X on the floor to show where to stand in line at the register.
I've seen enough Roadrunner cartoons, I'm not falling for that.

I got booed off of the stage at the start of my comedy act for saying that I still live with my parents.
That's the last time I do a gig at an orphanage.

I just called the paranoia hotline.
A guy answered with, “How did you get this number?!”

There was a last-minute New Year’s Eve gig that was taken by an accordion player and a banjo player.
They rocked the house all night, and when the gig was ending, the host asked if they would do the gig the following year.
The banjo player said, “We’d LOVE to! Can we just leave our stuff here?"

Man: Judge, 60% of my traffic tickets are bogus!
Judge: Repeat infractions?
Man: Ok. 3/5 of my traffic tickets are bogus!

I always wondered if cats are religious.
Then I realized that they are all practicing cat licks.

I tried to sneak into a Star Trek convention disguised as a doctor.
But the security guard stopped me and said I wasn’t the real McCoy.

Future game show... Facts Don't Matter!
Host: Sorry Arthur, your answer was actually correct, but Paul shouted his opinion louder so he gets the point.
And an extra bonus point also goes to Sue as she was offended by your answer.

Remember back when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Crazy times, right?

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

I stopped trusting the English language when my teacher said,
"Give her her pen" was correct,
yet "Give him him pen was not".

A shark could swim faster than me, but I can run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.

I'm the best man at my friends' second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with "Welcome back everyone"?

Irate husband reading a note from the wife who's on the phone... 
"How could you just walk out on me like this?!
And by the way, nit-picking has a hyphen."

At the TV newsroom...

All the silent K's in English confuse me.
Like, why is there a silent K in knot?
Or two silent K's in knuckle?
Or three silent K's in republican?

Do you pronounce it data or data? Did you read data two different ways? 
Well, I think it's data and not data.

You know what they say, "Tiny hand"... "Tiny penis"... "Big Feet"... "Big Shoes".

If you write a book called "How to Fail", and you don't sell any copies, are you a success?


Elephant's Child said...

Those three silent ks in republican may be silent but they are not invisible.
And yes, I am a picker of nits.
Another great selection. Thank you.

Ole Phat Stu said...

You asked :
"I left my last girlfriend because she wouldn't stop counting.
I wonder what she's up to now?"

It takes about 3 months to count out loud to one million (it has been done).
So , at most, 4 million per year times say 50 years = 200 million ONLY.
Much less since this was your LAST and not your PREVIOUS girlfriend.

Mike said...

Sue - You're right. Those three K's make a lot of noise.

Stu - Hopefully, she's deligated her counting to a quantum computer. She might have actually counted to infinity.

Infidel753 said...

Future game show? That's how Republicanism and political correctness actually work.

balanced a.f. said...

Thanks for the crazy early morning laughs!

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Hahahaha, the banjo and accordion one!

John A Hill said...

"Facts Don't Matter"
Too unrealistic. Will never fly.

I think I've heard that last one.

Tundra Bunny said...

How does Scooby Doo roll good doobies without opposable thumbs?

Mike said...

Infidel753 - I know. If it wasn't so funny it would be really sad.

balanced a.f. - A good way to start the day.

Deb - You got me wondering if there were youtube videos of banjos and accordions... OF COURSE THER ARE!

John - Unrealistic? HA!
An old retired guy told me that last one. Seems like it was just yesterday.

TB - Somebody's been watching too many cartoons recently.

Bilbo said...

"Lights ... Camera ... Bullshit! You're on, Tucker!

H-Bob said...

So a single woman would tie in the triathalon with the shark because a woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle?😉

Mike said...

H-Bob - Gloria, is that you?

Kathy G said...

HOW do you come up with all these on a weekly basis?!?

Bruce.desertrat said...

I have finally been stumped by one: I do not get the banjo and accordion New Years Eve one.

I too have seen WAY too many Roadrunner cartoons!

Mike said...

Bruce - The banjo, accordion, and bagpipes are considered instruments of torture to some. The fact that they asked if they could leave their instruments there meant they had no hopes of any gigs for the next year.

Mike said...

Bill - Too true.

Kathy - Sometimes I wonder if I'll find enough. But then magic happens and there they are.