What is the first prize in a competition to lose muscle mass?
A trophy.
Theory is when you know everything but nothing works.
Practice is when everything works but no one knows why.
In our lab, theory and practice are combined,
nothing works and no one knows why.
Man standing on a corner with a cardboard sign...
Please help, not homeless,
Just need money for new injectors, turbo, intake, and dyno tuning.
Q: Do you smoke after sex?
A: Dunno, I've never looked!
I met a girl at a bar. She said 'your socks don't match.'
I said they do because I go by thickness.
If Watson isn't the most famous doctor, then Who is.
How to cook crack and clean a crab.
Step one: Use commas.
Back in my day, we didn't have cup holders in our cars.
We had to hold our beer between our legs to drive.
Just read an incredible 13th Century account of a feudal uprising where a duke's son was killed by rebels who used a catapult to knock him off the battlements with the only available ordinance: a peasants decapitated head. Apparently, it was the first serf-face-to-heir missile.
I haven’t shoveled the driveway once this year, since I got the flame thrower.
Technically speaking there is a lot of food in the house. However, none of it is sweet and none of it is microwavable. Therefore, there is no food in the house.
Women may be surprised to learn that making us sleep on the couch isn't that bad. It's kind of manly. Makes us feel like we are camping... with a really angry bear nearby.
Store manager talking to employees: Okay, you guys know the drill. Our customers finally know where to find everything. Tonight we mix it all up again.
I bought a little bag of air today. The company that made it was kind enough to put some potato chips in it as well.
WOOO HOOO! What the new mom says when the baby looks like her husband and not one of her coworkers.
I think it would be great if Walmart added an upper level observation deck with a bar.
Store display...
Plants you'll kill in one week - $8
Plants you'll kill in three weeks - $15
Plants you'll kill in two months - $25
Dog prayer...
As I lay me down to sleep,
any minute I'll fall in deep.
My human went to take a pee,
now the bed belongs to me.
Amen.
A pastor was giving a children's sermon and asked: Why do you think I wear this collar?
One kid answered: Because it kills ticks and fleas for up to 30 days?
I don't want to brag or make anyone jealous, but I can still fit into the socks I wore in high school.
One day Youtube, Twitter, and Facebook will join and be called Youtwitface.
It's sad that even your very best homework efforts gets your kid detention.
I need a new friend.
The last one escaped.
Her: Ohhhh.... undress me with your words.
Him: There's a spider in your bra.
If you're being chased by a pack of taxidermists, do not play dead.
Other than if I slowed my breathing and stopped blinking, I'm not sure if it would be possible for me to be any lazier than I've been today.
I accidentally called Alexa "Siri".
Now the thermostat is set to 90 degrees and I can't unlock my doors or open my windows.
How many dyslexics does it take to change a light bulb?
Steven.
4/21 - National surprise drug test day.
Him: LOOK, a shooting star! Make a wish.
Her: I would like to get married.
Him: Oh, sorry, it's just a plane.
Always give 100 percent...unless you're donating blood.
I got robbed at the Shell gas station today.
Called the cops.
They asked if I knew who did it.
I said yeah, pump number 8!
I just paid for a 12 month gym membership.
My bank called to see if my credit card was stolen.
The first rule of the Condescending Club is really kind of complex and I don't think you'd understand it even if I explained it to you.
This social media is really cutting into my other time wasting activities.
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12 comments:
I think I recognize that one about the duke's son.
Watson and Who, good one!
I could relate to the one about sock thickness. When I was young everything needed to look perfect. Now it's all about comfort.
Bill - An old guy told me that. Seems like it was just days ago.
Deb - I was wondering if someone would get that.
Kathy - I know exactly what you mean.
:) Most of these made me smile.
'Pack of taxidermists'. Hahaha.
I was thinking about my Grandpa Jim this week, and his favorite joke.
Polar bears.
It's on my blog somewhere, go put 'polar bears' in the search field.
Ami - I found the polar bear joke. How about I use it tomorrow for long joke Sunday?
Lots of funny ones! Condescending Club and Pack of Taxidermists are favorites.
And stores DO move things around the aisles.
Allen - Pack of Taxidermists is good advice.
I once dated a girl called Chastity.
That didn't last very long.
Stu - Sounds like an old girlfriend of mine, no Hope.
Watson and Who was great, but the best IMHO is "Tonight we mix it all up again."
I SWEAR Costco does that every week. It's almost as bad as their 'no bare shelves' policy...if they run out of something poof it's as if every other thing in the stored re-tetrises itself to make the empty space disappear like it never exeisted leaving me looking around stupidly "I coulda sworn I got this at Costco!!" and making me doubt my sanity
(well, to be honest it's doiubt my sanity a little more :-)
Bruce - I know what you mean. The joke is on us. I think they do that just so you have to check out the whole store to find what you're looking for.
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