5134 - Saturday jokes

Someone posted they had just baked some synonym buns. 

I replied, you mean just like the ones grammer used to make?

I was at the post office when I saw someone shouting into an envelope. 

I asked, "What are you doing?" 

They replied, "Sending a voice mail."

If you spell the words "Absolutely Nothing" backward, you get "Gnihton Yletulosba," which ironically means...

Absolutely nothing.

What is it about the gentle beeping of a carbon monoxide detector that is so relaxing?

I always take the batteries out of my carbon monoxide detector. All that beeping gives me a headache.

Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have an 's' in it?

They say you never know what you got 'til it's gone. I wanted to know what I had, so I got rid of everything.

Don't let someone else ruin your day. It's YOUR day.

Ruin it yourself.

Two women were on a bus fighting over the last seat.

The bus driver hollered, "Ugly one gets the seat!"

Both women stood the rest of the ride.

My wife's birthday is tomorrow.

She's been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.

So I bought her a magazine rack.

When my wife makes me angry I look at her through a fork and pretend she's in jail.

It heals me.

A tack.

Oh no, I'm under attack!

My 5yo keeps telling me we're in a pandamnit.

Why are there five syllables in the word 'monosyllabic'?

My son, Luke, loves how I named my kids after Star Wars characters.

My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.

Now that I have lived through an actual plague, I totally understand why Italian Renaissance paintings are full of naked fat people laying on couches.

A propeller is just a big fan in front of a plane to keep the pilot cool. 

When it stops, you can actually see the pilot start sweating.

AA meeting: Hi, I'm Chad. I've been sober for 40 days. Not in a row or anything. Just total.

The nurse hands a man his newborn and says, "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it."

He responds, "Well give me the one my wife made."

Sex object describes my wife.

Every time I ask for sex she objects.

My wife calls me a sex-machine.

I mean her actual words are f**king tool but I know what she's trying to say.

Remember when people had diaries and got mad when someone read them?

Now they put everything online and get mad when people don't.

Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject.

Now when you mention Botox, nobody raises an eyebrow.

A wife waits outside the doctors' office while her husband sees the doctor. After a short time, he comes out crying.

Wife - "Honey, what's wrong?"

Husband - "The doc told me I have to take a pill every day for the rest of my life!"

Wife - "Well, that's not so bad, I thought it was something much worse!"

Husband - "He only gave me three of them!"

If dentists make all their money from bad teeth...

Why should we use toothpaste that 8 out of 10 dentists recommend?

I met my girlfriend in 2020. She has pretty eyes.

I haven’t seen her mouth and nose yet, but her eyes are pretty.

What's the difference between a bench and the minimum wage?

A bench can support a family.

I went to the doctor.

She asked, "What brings you here today?"

I replied, "My car."

She looked down at the form, shook her head, checked a box, and commented under her breath: "Not sexually active."

Corona must have hit India hard.

I haven't received a single phone call this week from Microsoft warning me about a virus on my computer.

In 1972, two grad Students at MIT invented Proton-Enhanced Nuclear Induction Spectroscopy. They chose the name specifically for the acronym.