Saturday, May 15, 2021

5148 - Saturday jokes

My daughter recently informed me that the human rectum can stretch to 8 inches. Then she followed it up by pointing out that a raccoon can fit through a 4-inch opening. I haven’t slept since.

All languages travel at the speed of sound. Except for sign language, it travels at the speed of light.

Kids have 2 stomachs. One is the meal stomach. It's about the size of a pea. This is why children cannot consume a full breakfast, lunch, or dinner. The second stomach is the snack stomach. This stomach stretches and has an infinite amount of space.

I farted once and it set off a smoke detector.

If you put your ear on a stranger's leg, you can hear them say, "WTF are you doing?"

If you pull the wings off a fly, it's called a WALK.

When a squirrel ingests marijuana, instead of storing his nuts, it will sit around all day playing with them.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

The other day I yelled into a colander and strained my voice. 

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

First rule of the thesaurus club:
You don't talk, discuss, deliberate, converse. speak, chat, confer, gab, or gossip about thesaurus club.

According to the BMI chart, I'm too short.

"2 Catholic bishops at odds over Biden receiving communion".
I would be impressed if they refused communion for the many other congregants' sins also.

Just a quick shoutout to that nice man for inventing electricity. 
If it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.

Is there illegal-sized paper?

You just don't see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.

How do you tell the difference between a fully vaccinated person and an unvaccinated person if they aren't wearing a mask?
Ask them who won the election.

Just been to Starbucks and the barista was wearing a face mask.
I asked, "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?"
She said, "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."

The Baristas' job can be a real grind.

Batman: "It's been a long day. Alfred, please fill up the bathtub."
Alfred: "Master Bruce, what's a htub?"

A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was. Predictably, he's hit and is thrown, ass-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.
After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened, and asks the desert man, "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"
The desert man replies, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."

There is a difference between I’m sorry and I apologize.
Don’t believe me? Try saying “I apologize” at a funeral.

Why is the average American so stupid?
Because they keep shooting the ones that go to school.

Somebody threw a jar of mayonnaise at me yesterday.
I was like, “What the Hellman?! Put up your Dukes!”
I sure know how to Kraft a pun don't I!

Incest isn’t great.
But it’s relatively fun.

The local wig shop got broken into last night.
They've had to replace all the locks.

I went to a cannibals wedding last weekend.
All was going well, until they decided to toast the Bride and Groom.

I was happily watching the Bermuda philharmonic orchestra,
when the guy on the triangle disappeared.

How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?
One to screw the bulb in, and another to hold the penis... I mean, your mother... Damnnit, THE LADDER!

I was trying to think of past Republicans similar to Marjorie Taylor Greene.
But they're just Palin by comparison.

Ladies, you need to work on your chat up lines.
'Fuck off loser' is never going to get me into bed.

What’s the difference between a prostitute and a politician?
One has no morals, doesn’t care about the people, and will fuck anyone for money. 
The other just sells their body for sex.

When I die, I wish to be buried with my record collection.
It will be my vinyl resting place.

A guy in a bar asks for four shots of whiskey and drinks them.
Then asks for three shots.
Then asks for two.
Then one.
He turns to the bartender and says, "I've noticed that the less I drink the more I get drunk."

What did the sex toy store employee tell the customer that was buying a dildo?
"Thank you for your purchase. Now go fuck yourself."

What was the name of the Irish man bouncing off the walls?
Rick O Shea.

An elderly man goes to the doctor for a checkup.
Doctor: We will need a blood sample, urine sample, stool sample, and semen if possible.
Old man: Why don't you just take my shorts?

A lady goes to see her doctor.
She says, "Kiss me doctor". The doctor says, "No, that would be inappropriate." She asks again, "Kiss me please". The doctor goes, "That would be really unprofessional. You know we shouldn't even be having sex right now."

If a Lama with one L is a holy man in Tabet, and a 2 L's is a beast of burden, then what is a three L Lama?
A big fire in Boston.

(I'm glad someone explained it in the comments...
A three alarm fire is a very big fire that needs several fire trucks to put out.
The Boston accent drops trailing 'r' sounds typically.
So a Three Alarmer would become 'a three alahma', which was changed into '3 L Llama' for the joke.)

I used to be a ventriloquist until I lost my dummy.
Now I'm just a schizophrenic.

Silence is golden...
Unless you have children...
Then, silence is suspicious.

A dung beetle walks into a bar, looks around, and then asks, “Is this stool taken?”
(It amazing that an English word can mean both something you want to sit on and something you don’t want to sit on at the same time.)

Did you hear about the humble artery?
He was not vain. Hahahaha!
Aorta get an award for this one.

What did John Bobbit say to the Dr. after Lorena hacked off his cock?
“Doc, you’re going to re-member me, right?!”


Ole Phat Stu said...

Einsteins theory : we are limited by the speed of light.
Ole Phat Stu's theory : At my age, I'm limited by the speed of heavy!

Mike said...

Stu - I know. Someone attached a big heavy chain to me and I can't get it off.

Elephant's Child said...

A one el lama is a priest,
A two el lame is a beast,
I will bet a silk pyjama that you have never seen a three el lama (Spike Milligan - I think).
Thanks for the smiles and the fire joke explanation.

Shaw Kenawe said...

What’s a sheep with big horns, a South American pack animal, and a chocolate cake with a creamy filling?

A ram, a llama, Ding-Dong.

Loved the Boston joke.

Anonymous said...

Elephant's Child:

Ogden Nash

John A Hill said...

Funny jokes today
I'll be stealing a few.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Never piss off raccoons.

Kathy G said...

I must be a kid. My stomach has an unlimited capacity for snacks and sweets.

Mike said...

Sue - And the truth would be that I've seen all three.

Shaw - If I run out of jokes I'm turning Saturday jokes over to you.

Anon - I found this online under Ogden Nash...
The Lama ...
The one-l lama,
He's a priest;
The two-l llama,
He's a beast.
And I will bet
A silk pajama
There isn't any
Three-l lllama.
... Looks like Ogden was wrong.

John - Just a few?

Deb - Sometimes too much knowledge isn't a good thing.

Kathy - I'm right there with you. (As I eat some M&M's)

Bilbo said...

Illegal sized paper. I'm keeping that one for future reference!

Papa Wheelie said...

Man at bar orders 6 shots of whiskey. Downs them real fast. Barkeep says, 'Whoa! That's pretty fast.'
Man says, 'If you had what I have, you'd drink 'em fast, too'
'Oh, sorry. What do you have?'
'75 cents.'

Mike said...

Papa - A classic!

Cloudia said...

Still laughing

Mike said...

Cloudia - That's a good thing!