5162 - Saturday jokes

When you die, people cry and beg for you to come back.  But, when you do, there's all that running around and screaming.

Just sitting in your backyard smiling while watching your neighbors' house get robbed after he reported your backyard BBQ on Labor Day.

A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink.

The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead and sees a British safari camp ahead.

The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some khakis that are hung out to dry, and puts on pants, a shirt, and a hat. He sits on a chair by the campfire and grabs a copy of the local paper, pretending to read, to hide his face.

The lion enters the campsite and lets out a huge roar. He yells, "did anyone see a gorilla run through here?"

The gorilla, in full disguise, calls out, "You mean the one that fucked the lion up the ass?"

The lion exclaims, "Oh my god! It's in the paper already?"

Bruce Lee had a vegan brother. Broco Lee.

This morning at about 7:45, I was in a long line at a grocery store that opens at 8:00 for senior citizens only.

A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground, and rolled him away.

As he approached the line for the third time he said, "Look, if you don't let me unlock the damn door you're never going to get in there!”

I just told my suitcases we aren't going on vacation this year.

Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage.

For his son's birthday, Dad buys him a bass guitar and pays for 5 lessons.

After the first lesson, the boy gets home and Dad asks "What did you learn today?"

"I learned the first 5 notes on the E string." the son says proudly.

After the second lesson, the dad asks "What did you learn this time?"

"I learned the first 5 notes on the A string." the boy says.

After the third lesson, the Dad waits at home for what seems like hours. 

Around 2am, the son finally comes home, smelling of whiskey and cigarettes.

"Where the hell have you been?" Dad demands.

"Sorry dad, I had a gig!"

We should have a TV show where illegal immigrants hunt down sex offenders for a chance at citizenship.

We can call it "Alien vs Predator".

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner.

They picked pizza. 

Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.

A priest walks down the street and a hooker says to him, "Hey, you want some head? I charge ten bucks." Confused, the priest walks back to the church thinking to himself "what's head?". When he walks back in, he approaches one of the nuns and asks her, "Do you know what head is?" The nun replies, "Yeah. Ten bucks. Same as downtown".

Why did the Mexican man take Xanax?

For hispanic attacks.

Guys I’ve been meeting have the worst pickup lines.

Like, “Hey, what’s your friend’s name?”

A drunk ran over a policeman and immediately dials 911.

Drunk: 911?

911: Yes?

Drunk: Well, now you're 910.

There was a fire at the Goodwill yesterday.

A person died of second-hand smoke.

When I was younger I was going to go to the beach for the week. I ask my dad how I can meet girls? He tells me to put a potato in my pants and the girls will come to you! When I get home I go to my dad and tell him it didn’t work at all. Every time I went in the water all the girls went out and when I would get out they would go in. My father then told me, “Next time put the potato in the front!”

I put up a high-voltage electric fence around my house.

My neighbor is dead against it.

A man with 12 kids was trying to rent a house. However, no landowner would allow him to rent their house due to the number of children he had. 

Frustrated, the man told his wife to visit her father's tombstone and bring all but their youngest child with her.

He then visited a property and told the landowner that he would like to rent the place.

"Is this your only child?" asked the landowner.

"No, I have 12 children", replied the man.

"Then where are the other 11 kids?"

"In the cemetery with my wife."

My coworker keeps farting and trying to convince me that it was me who did it.

Is this how gaslighting starts?

Which is the most desired summer body this year?

The antibody.

It's called lighter fluid not only because it's lighter fluid but also because it's a lighter fluid.

You'd think that without their shells snails would be a lot faster.

But it only makes them more sluggish.

Where did Captain Hook buy his hook?

From a second-hand store.

Guy and his wife are in divorce talks.

Guy says, "I just don't see where we can go from here. You told me repeatedly when we first met that you were interesting, but you're always lying in bed."

She turned to him and said, "You idiot, I said I was into resting."

I was going to cook alligator for dinner.

But then I realized I only have a croc pot.

Did you guys hear about the fatal accident at the cheese factory?

A photographer was photographing a group of tourists when a huge wheel of cheese fatally ran over him.

To be fair the entire group was yelling out CHEESE!!!

I was just walking past the church when the vicar turned to me and said, "Love your neighbor."

I said, "Me too - great pair of tits!"

Is it okay to start drinking when the kids get to school?

Or does that make me a bad teacher?

The stomach was sad...

because everything it tried to make turned out to be shit.

My addiction to Helium is out of control, 

but no one is taking my cries for help seriously.

A man comes out of a church and shouts "I'm walking again"!

Hearing that other parishioners start murmuring and minister walks up to him, pats him on the shoulder, and says, "You see? If you have faith, miracles can happen!" 

The man turns red, "It was no miracle. Somebody stole my car!"

Did you hear about the OnlyFans delivery service?

It's call WhoreDash.

What was Lorena Bobbitt's favorite form of mischief?

Ding dong ditch.

John went to the doctors for a stomach pain that had been bothering him for months.

The doctor quickly identified the problem and prescribed some painkillers to alleviate the symptoms. But he explained: "They're suppositories, so need to be taken rectally. I'll do the first one for you, so you know how." So John bends forward and the doctor inserts the first suppository. It's a little uncomfortable but John thinks nothing more of it.

He goes home to his wife, and tells her how happy he is to have found a cure, and asks if she'll do the next dose for him. She happily agrees, so he drops his trousers and bends forward again.

As she goes to insert the medication, she lays her hand on his shoulder to steady herself. John straightens up with a strange look on his face.

His wife, terrified that she's injured him, says: "What is it, are you hurt?"

John replies, "No! But I've just realized that when the doctor did it, he had both hands on my shoulders!"

An escapee is caught by a guard.

Escapee, "I'm sorry I tried to escape".

Gaurd, " I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed.

Moral - Don't let your guard down.

Guy, "I like women with personality".

Gal, "Your lucky, I have several".

Life is not a fairy tale.

If you lose your shoe at midnight...

You're drunk.

Eyelashes are supposed to prevent things from getting into your eyes. 

But when I do have something in my eye, it's always an eyelash.

Eyeronic!

I've been trying to leave Rome for a couple of weeks now, but no matter what road I take I keep winding up back in Rome.

A husband and wife had a big fight. The wife called her mother and said, "He fought me again. I'm coming to live with you."

The mom replied, "No honey, he must pay for his mistake. I'm coming to live with you."

If you smoke pot before a drug test, drink roundup. It's a weed killer.

Someone close to me died recently.

Shouldn't have snuck up on me like that.