5190 - Saturday jokes

I don't do drugs and I don't drink. At my age, I get the same effects by standing up too fast.

How long do you keep a pair of jeans hoping you'll fit into them again one day?

It's thirty years, right?

A close-knit relationship unravels when one is caught cheating...torn apart...you rip what you sew.

If there's anything I learned about Texas, it's that they will gladly freeze your kids and give your grandma heatstroke if it means keeping their energy grid private so a few old white guys can buy a third yacht.

I fell down a flight of stairs. 

The wife says, "Did you miss a step?"

"Nope, I hit them all."

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft?

A-flat minor.

 This ended on a wrong note.

 You sure would be in treble.

 Right down to the base?

 That’s a key factor.

 That joke is just Coal-d!

 There's a key point in all of this, I'm sure.

On the plus side, I'm completely immune to flash-bang grenades. - Helen Keller

I'm addicted to buying old Beatles records.

Sounds like you need help.

Nope, I already have that one.

I hate when people say, "So tell me about yourself".

What do you want to know about, my trauma or my favorite color, let's be specific.

Sitting in a recliner, naked, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos, minding my own business, and Walmart calls the cops.

Lesson of the day:

If someone calls you from a private number, respect their privacy & don't answer.

The older I get the tighter companies are putting the lids on jars.

FYI: Your phone won't autocorrect when you're in caps lock because it assumes you're angry and doesn't want to get involved.

With so many sporting events canceled, they're going to televise the World Oragami Championships.

It's on paperview.

A few days ago, one of my neighbors that doesn't have double glazing, had the main pane of glass fall out of their living room window.

They called a glazier who replaced it, but two days later the same thing happened again.

The glazier advised them that this is happening a lot in our area and went on to say that a local animal is eating the bonding they use to hold the glass in.

Our neighbors asked if he knows what kind of animal it is? 

He told them that, “It's a cat... a putty cat.”

Uh oh, your kids' school called and suggested special ed for them. But you have been doing their homework for them.

Husband to wife: Your underwear is much too tight and revealing.

Wife: Then wear your own.

What's the opposite of isolate?

Yousoearly!

I went to San Francisco once and I found someone's heart.  Then Tony Bennett walked up to me and said, 'Excuse me but I've been looking for that.

Received a sales call today and when the caller gave their name I said, “That’s great, I’ve been waiting for your call so we can discuss the extended warranty on your car!” 

They hung up.

My Coffee just called the cops on me claiming it got mugged.

I said, On what grounds?

Why is it black people are told to get over slavery?

But white people always have civil war reenactments?

me: the Earth isn't flat.

fiat Earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat Earther: it's shaped like an Italian car.

me: what?

fiat Earther: you read my name wrong didn't you?

My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.

Jack and the beans talk.

I don't care how old I am.

If I'm in a store and see a toy with "try me' on it,

I'm pushing those buttons!

I guess I'm officially old. I just spent ten minutes chasing an eye floater with a fly swatter.

I thought I was in a bad mood, but it's been a few years so I guess this is who I am now.

You're going to hell!

  What's in hell?

People like you.

  What's in heaven?

People like me.

  You need to work on your threats.

My wife loves sales. She'll buy anything that's marked "down".

Yesterday she bought an escalator.

Him: I thought you said you booked us a 3-day weekend getaway.

Her: No sorry, Honey. I said it's a 3-book weekend, so get away.

What kind of beer do spiders drink?

Bug lite.

I was sad because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, 'Got any shoes you're not using?'

I have this weird self-esteem issue where I hate myself but I still think I'm better than everyone else.

A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and removed the appendix. Afterward, they examined him and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.

Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all. Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, 

"Get well soon, from the nurse in the Ford Explorer you pulled over last week."

If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?

If your New Years Resolution is to break your resolution,

would keeping it meant you broke it?

If you're waiting for the waiter, aren't you the waiter?

As I've said before, I never repeat myself.

A consultant is a guy that knows 40 ways to make love but doesn't have a woman.

Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?

He's the kind of guy who would wake up before the alarm to turn it off so it doesn't wake him up.

Question to sales rep: I have a lot of sex. Is this bed frame going to make noises constantly?

Sales rep: No, not in your case. However, if at any time you decide to include another person, you may have to readdress the issue.

* I'm notifying all my old boyfriends that I'm getting married and I'm officially off the market.

** I'm sure the pulse setting on your showerhead will be devastated.

Studies show that cows produce more milk if the farmer talks to them.

It's a case of in one ear and out the udder.

* How many pushups can you do?

** If they're the orange flavor I know I can do 7 of them.

Every time a bird craps on my car, I eat a plate of wings on my front porch just to show them what I'm capable of. 

Cop: "Turn around."

Me: "Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never comin' round."

Cop: "TURN AROUND!"

Me: "Every now..." *gets tased*

If having sex for money makes you a whore.

Then does having sex for free make you a non-profit whoreganisation?

I was fairly confident that the German prostitute was actually a man, but I hired them anyway in case I was wrong.

I was hoping for the breast but expecting the wurst.

My friend and I bumped into Arnold Schwarzenegger. As fans, we asked a lot of questions and ended up asking if he's going to upgrade to Windows 11.

He said, "I still love Vista, baby!"

My girlfriend walked into the room and said, “Do these jeans make me look fat?”

“Do you promise not to get mad no matter what I say?” I asked.

“Yes,” she replied.

“I screwed your sister”.

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. He went to the doctor to get a sperm count.

The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back. The elderly man came back the next day; the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. The doctor asked, "What was the problem?" The elderly man said, "Well, I tried with my right hand... nothing. I tried with my left hand... nothing. So my wife tried with her right hand... nothing. Her left hand... nothing. Her mouth... nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth... still nothing. The doctor replied, "Wait a minute, did you say your wife's friend too?!" The elderly man answered, "Yeah, and none of us could get the damn lid off."

Did you hear about the spanking fetish convention here last weekend?

Apparently, it was a big hit and everyone came.

I tried to buy something from a perfume vending machine, but it was empty.

It had a sign on it that said: "Out of Odor".

As an experiment, I blended some penis enlargement medication with some Viagra and then added that into my eye drops.

It made me take a long, hard look at myself.