5204 - Saturday jokes

A man survived a Kodiak bear attack with just a .22 pistol.

The friend he shot in the knee was not as lucky.

The only reason the pyramids still exist in Egypt is that they were too heavy for the British to steal and put in the British Museum.

A boss hangs a poster in his office that says, "I am the boss, do not forget!"

He returns from lunch and finds a note on his desk.

"Your wife called, she wants you to bring her poster back home."

One great thing about this heat, no one is waiting in your backseat to kill you.

Your fingers have fingertips but your toes don't have toetips.

Yet you can tiptoe but not tipfinger.

I opened up a bakery recently and a lady called and wanted a cake with "I SUCK COCKS" on it.

I thought it was weird but made it anyway.

Mrs. Cox was not pleased when I delivered it.

Niether was her son, Isaac.

People say I act like I don't give a fuck.

Hey Assholes, I'm not acting.

109-year-old woman says the secret to a long life is avoiding other people.

You can't change the people around you, but you can change the people around you.

Lawyer in court... I'd to request a brief recess, your honor. My witness's pants are on fire.

In time, chemistry jokes will get no reaction, and physics jokes will lose momentum.

I have not figured out how to have a wine collection.

I do, however, have an extensive cork collection.

I refer to testicles as wonkas because they're in between a willy and a chocolate factory.

Cashier: That will be $19.94.

I pull out a $50 bill.

Cashier: Sorry, we've had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?

I get out a $25 bill.

One alien to another...

How did all the earthlings die?

They used so much toilet paper they wiped themselves out.

I'm going to start a sperm donor agency called "Get a load of this guy".

Cop: Sir, it seems you've been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter 'M'?

Driver: Malphabet!

Seems like a real missed opportunity that they would call it "Self Check Out" and not "Express Yourself".

Bumper sticker - PIRATE of the CAR-I-BE-IN

Saleswoman to old lady: What size bra do you need?

Old Lady: 44 long.

80 yo: "My testees are so low". 

How low? 

"I hurt myself sitting down all the time".

"I've learned to throw them over my shoulder though".

I'm doing my best to remove the word 'chocolate' from my vocadbury.

Doctor: My advice is to eat more food from the ocean.

Wife: Where are you going?

Husband: I'm taking the pig to the beach.

The person who fixes the roof of Big Ben is always working overtime.

Husband: Honey, can you toast some muffins?

Wife: Raises wine glass. Here's to muffins.

"If Jesus was real they wouldn't call it the crucifixion, they would call it the crucifact."

Vatican City wants to know your location.

"Why? I'm not a minor."

I saw a meme that said you can't stand backward on stairs. Now it's all I can think about.

My neighbor loudly played Lionel Richie's music last night. It was all night long.

It was the knight no one expected to see on the battlefield that day. Sir Prise!

One time my grandfather asked me, "How old are you?"

I said, "I'm five."

He said, "When I was your age I was six."

Has anyone ever noticed that whenever someone has a garage sale they never want to sell the garage?

I live at the end of a one-way culdesac.

I just read that someone gets stabbed in New York City every 46 seconds. Poor guy.

Some guy with road rage just yelled out his window, "I'm going to make your life a living hell!"

I yelled back, "Thanks, but I'm not looking for a relationship right now."

I just reached an out-of-court settlement with the Ex-Lax company. It was a non-binding agreement.

There's a little "Go fuck yourself" in every "Whatever".