5218 - Saturday jokes

Officer: “Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?”

Soldier: “Sure, buddy.”

Officer: “That’s no way to address an officer! Now, let’s try it again!”

Officer: “Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?”

Soldier: “No, SIR!”

It's the 1700's. Two men are standing back to back with their single-shot pistols at the ready.

First man, "Why are we doing this?"

Second man, "Because you dishonored me. And also because I hate your stupid pun jokes!"

First man, "I see. So it's a duel purpose."

The first cat was getting ready to fly into space.

Then someone told the cat that space was a vacuum.

I can't believe people are comparing tRUMP to Satan.

Yes, he's evil, but he's certainly not as evil as tRUMP!

Does anyone remember the chiropractor joke I told about a week back?

Do magazines really have to add "Alive" to "Sexiest Woman/man"?

Or am I just grossly underestimating the number of necrophiliacs in the world?

When my son was 4 he saw a commercial that said, "brushing alone is not enough to prevent cavities and tooth decay". So he made us start brushing our teeth with him. It's been 3 years. Still going.

A Frenchman staying at a hotel in England calls room service and asks for some pepper.

"What kind of pepper would you like? Black pepper, white pepper, red pepper?" asks the manager.

He replied, "Toilette pepper!"

I was in the grocery store parking lot and saw a guy pushing about 20 baskets.

I said, Hey, do you really need all those? Maybe someone else could use one.

I used to work with a guy named Steve who had one big hand and one small hand. 

We called him the Clock. He had a few Tics and didn't Toc much.

You know how when you try to pronounce the names of your medications and accidentally summon a demon instead?

Dear Donovan,

I tried to come and get your tooth but there were so many toys on your floor, I tripped and fell.

I'm going to come back tonight. Please make sure your room is clean so I won't hurt myself again.

The Tooth Fairy

I was at a carnival with my grandson and asked him if he wanted to go into the crazy house.

He said save your money, we'll be home soon.

I walked into a friend's room and there was a lamp sitting on an IKEA side table box. He said he figured out you don't actually have to assemble those things.

When a kid says, "Daddy, I want mommy". That's the kid version of, "I'd like to speak to your supervisor".

I swear my fridge just said, "What the hell do you want now?!"

I don’t need a mood ring.

I have a face.

You know you're old when you clean to the music you used to drink to. 

Did you realize that if you sit on the toilet at 11:59 and the clock strikes midnight, it's the same shit, different day?

I'm good at sleeping. I can do it with my eyes closed.

I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend until the LSD wears off and I realize I'm just dragging a stolen mannequin around a Wendy's parking lot.

As a kid, did you ever knock on people's doors and run away before they could answer? Well, guess what, UPS is hiring.

My employer is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.

I have a hunch, it may be me.

Him: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane.

Her: My God, imagine if it had been a small child.

Him: I could have fought off a small child.

At the end of WW2, Ian Fleming - who later wrote the James Bond books - was working at Bletchley Park and then was put in charge of searching for and capturing the Nazi rocket scientists before the Russians could get to them. Each morning he would wake up, untangle the knotted leads to his earphones by shaking them hard then walk down the garden path to his Aston Martin, avoiding the dog shite in the grass by the road. He had a mnemonic for doing these tasks: Shaken knots, turd.

I'm looking for the book Ventriloquism for Dummies.

Tech enthusiasts: My entire house is smart.

Tech workers: The only piece of technology in my house is a printer and I keep a gun next to it so I can shoot it if it makes a noise I don't recognize.

Rage Against the Machine never specified what type of machine they were furious with but I suspect it was probably a printer.

If any of you non-rich people want to go to space for 10 minutes, I know a good brownie recipe.

Apparently, it's rude to poke someone in the forehead and say "skip intro" when they start talking to you.