5288 - Saturday jokes

Do you know what viagra is made of? It’s 50% Miracle gro and 50% Fix a flat.

The fact that Kansas and Arkansas are pronounced differently bothers me way more than it should.

Why does fridge have a "D" in it, but refrigerator doesn't?

Why are Zoey and Zoe pronounced the same, but Joey and Joe aren't?

You can drink a drink but you can't food a food.

Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly,

"Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"

"I think so," the man replied. 

"My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests."

"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?"

"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."

A man, his dog, and his horse were walking through the desert when the dog said, "I can't take it anymore. I need water." Then the man said, "I didn't know dogs could talk." Then the horse replied, "Me neither."

How do you help your female sibling?

A sister.

Do beavers know what they're doing or do they see water flowing down a river and think "absolutely not!"

My wife locked me out of the apartment because of my dad jokes. I texted her “oh pun the door!”

I own a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare.

He chewed on it a lot.

I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B.

Guy 1: You atheists are so critical of god. What would you do if you were him?

Guy 2: Well, first I'd make it so that everyone had enough food.

Then I would put an end to all fighting over which religion is right.

Finally, I'd make it so all farts smelled like peppermint.

Guy 1: I don't think that last one is all that important.

Guy 2: You will in a second.

Hey Walmart, don't get mad at me if I forget to scan something.

You gave me zero training before making me a cashier.

I recently bought a toilet brush.

Long story short, I'm going back to toilet paper.

When I moved out, I left a mustache under the bathroom sink.

My old roommate found it about 2 months later.

He called me up and told me he found it.

I said, "So, you've found my secret stash."

I just found out that, when it’s raining in Sweden, you have to drive with your headlights on.  

But, how am I supposed to know when it’s raining in Sweden?

In case you didn't think about it:

▪️ Your grandma wore very short mini skirts, thin panties, high boots, and no bra...

▪️ She listened to Led Zeppelin, The Beatles, Janis Joplin, and Rolling Stones.

▪️ She rode on motorcycles and fast cars.

▪️ She smoked tobacco and other things...

▪️ She drank gin-tonics, whiskey, and whatever...

▪️ She came home at 4 am and left for work in the morning...

Know that you will never be as cool as your grandma.

The top 12 states to live in, alphabetized:

Alaska

Idaho

Maine

Michigan

Minnesota

Montana

New Hampshire

New York

North Dakota

Vermont

Washington

Wisconsin

My new tattoo: Leviticus 19:28

Quit messing up!

You need to do butter or find yourself marginalized.

The patron saint of copying people on email is St. Francis of a CC.

From the internet...

Using basic, everyday, normal grammatical tools, can you make this back into a real sentence again? 

John while James had had had had had had had had had had had a greater effect on the teacher.

If you didn't reply, I'll assume you had had no luck!

(I didn't reply)

Is being a horse trainer considered a stable job?

What do you call a chameleon that loses the ability to change colors?

A reptile dysfunction.

Did you know that before water was invented, people had to carry their boats around?

What starts with an "o" and ends with "nions" and sometimes makes you cry?

Opinions.

Bacon is 73% fat and very salty.

Me too bacon, me too.

What do you get when you pick a pig's nose?

Ham boogers.

I know, I know, snot funny.

A Tractor-trailer carrying a load of Ramen Noodles crashed.

The estimated loss to the company, $38.

Thought I had $707 in my bank account.

Turns out I was holding my statement upside down and it said LOL.

Would you go to someone's funeral if they didn't come to yours?

Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.

4yo: I don't have any other feet.

Heat makes things expand.

So I don't have a weight problem.

I'm just hot!

People who take care of chickens are chicken tenders.

Confucius say: Casket put in wrong hole is grave mistake.

I'm thinking about buying a big telescope. 

Can somebody help me look into it?

I want to check out Uranus.

You don't really wash your hands.

They actually wash each other while you just stand there and watch.

Hostess: Good evening. Do you have reservations?

Customer: Yes, but I've decided to throw caution to the wind and eat here anyway.

Bob suddenly realized his wife had fallen off her horse.

It was quite a relief to him as just an hour earlier he thought he'd gone deaf.

I get so tired of babysitting my Mom & Dad's grandkids.

My advice to buyers when you love the house but your spouse doesn't.

New spouses are easier to find in this market than houses.

Santa has been reading all your posts this year.

A lot of you are getting science books.

It's not a mass firing of unvaccinated workers.

It's an overdue reduction of unsafe employees.

Did you know muffins spelled backward is what you do when you take them out of the oven?

I don't know who needs to know this but even if a bear wears socks and shoes, he still has bear feet.

My friends' doctor is thinking of writing a book on how to perform an autopsy.

Right now he only has a table of contents.

Every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.

What do we want?

To stop procrastinating!

When do we want it?

Tomorrow!

I think I have some unfinished procrastinating to do from last week.