5302 - Saturday jokes

I was today years old when I realized that the Del on my keyboard stands for Delete. I guess I am now Delaware!

Person 1: What's an orgasm?

Person 2: When you fold paper to look like birds.

Person 3: No, that's oregano!

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

In the word scent, is the S or the C silent?

I have a vaccine joke, but a lot of people won’t get it!

A lawyer wakes up after surgery.

He asks the nurse why the blinds are drawn.

She says, "There's a fire outside and we didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."

The wife and I can’t agree on our next trip. I want to go to Amsterdam, but she wants to come with me.

They say that each piece of bacon you eat takes 9 minutes off your life.

Based on that math, I've been dead since 1732.

I'm not saying I order from Amazon a lot, but I just received a wedding invitation from one of their drivers.

Duct tape is like “The Force” … it has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

I just bought a microwave fireplace… you can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.

I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now I don’t have to hold things when I sleep.

An accordion is a bagpipe with pleats.

I have a time machine, it only goes forward at regular speed.

I wish airplanes were more like elementary school with someone upfront telling everyone to sit down and shut up.

Last week the candle factory burned down… everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

We use a really strong sunblock when we go to the beach with the kids; it’s SPF 80: you squeeze the tube, and a sweater comes out.

Possessions increase to fill the space available for their storage.

I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains so that when they hit something it's at least a little bit funny.

A mobile home with a flat tire is just a home.

Airplane oxygen masks don’t really help you, they’re just there to muffle the screams.

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

Although it is not true that all conservatives are stupid people, it is true that most stupid people are conservative.

Isn't it great to live in a society where the penalty for lying to a congressman can be up to 30 years in jail, but the penalty for a congressman lying to you is another two years in office.

A jury: Twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.

Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest.

Doctors are the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.

I think the scariest part of that song "Born to be Wild" is when they find a head out on the highway.

The Amish love the month of October because they get to pumpkin.

At a German Mcdonald's a sign that says "We are looking for you." 

Except in German, it says "Wir suchen DICH!"

I always carry a stone with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in October.

I call it my jingle bell rock.

If you spell wrong wrong, you haven't spelled it right, therefore it's wrong. But it is also not wrong, because it's not right!

I ordered house shoes yesterday but forgot to include our front porch in the measurement.

When I was young I would listen to a video cassette that had two sides, A and B.

What is logical is that the successor was gonna be a CD.

I always bring a harmonica on a date in case I'm expected to perform in bed.

Okay, so... apparently you have to eat healthy more than once to get in shape... this is cruel and unfair.

Man in jail talking to his lawyer...

He had 21 items in the 15 items or less express lane. He had coupons. He had bottle returns. He wrote a check. Then he recorded it in his checkbook. Then he double-checked his receipt.

After that, all I remember is the police showing up.

I spent a hundred bucks on a course called "Understanding Irony" and I still don't get it.

ID is a strange abbreviation.

The I stands for I and the D stands for dentification.

I passed a store with a sign that said, "We treat you like family".

Nope, not going in there.

What do you call a trail through the woods where harps are walking along, and although they use great reasoning in an orderly and cogent fashion and are very analytical and deductive, cannot tell the truth?

Path of logical lyres.

If you fall asleep in a suit of armor, you might wake up to pee in the metal of the knight.

Houseplants: Look at me the wrong way and I will die!

Plants in the wild: Oh, look, a crack in the sidewalk!

When I finish eating something, I have to show my hands to the dog. Like I'm a blackjack dealer.

(It's true.)

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated.

She made an appointment for me on Tuesday.