5323 - Saturday jokes

I'm not saying you're stupid.

I'm just saying you have bad luck when it comes to thinking.

I'm currently working on a diary full of lies.

I want my loved ones to read it after I die and go "Wait, WHAT!"

If a prisoner is released early, does it mean he doesn't complete his

The wife was doing her makeup early morning straight out of bed.

Husband: Are you crazy!

Wife: Just shut up! I need to unlock my phone. It's on face recognition feature and it doesn't recognize me!

I asked her how she spelled Mississippi. She asked the river or the state? I'm never asking Mrs. Sippy anything again. 

As we wrap up another Halloween, I’m reminded that whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called "fun-sized" should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.

I used my phone's light to shave my privates. Everything was going well until I reviewed my first like.

A man sitting in church one Sunday morning was enjoying the sermon and the music from the quire when suddenly a voice cried out from the crowd that said, "THE PICCOLO PLAYER IS A JERK!"

Suddenly, the music stopped and the congregation was silent.

The Preacher took front and center and asked, "Who called my piccolo player a jerk"? A man sitting in one of the far back pews responded, "I am not the man who called your piccolo player a jerk. I am not even the man that sat by the man, who called your piccolo player a jerk...why, I am not even the man who sat by the man, who sat by the man, that called your piccolo player a jerk". The man continued, with a strong and loud voice..."WHAT I WANT TO KNOW IS WHO CALLED THAT JERK A PICCOLO PLAYER"?

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“What is the dumbest thing someone has said with full confidence?” (from Reddit)

One time my little brother walked up to me and awkwardly asked “is the cat dead” as he held our cat, who was purring.

I don’t eat cows, I eat beef.” 

My friend told me if you had a test with 101 questions and you got them all wrong, your score would be a -1.

A woman yelled at me for parking a car with a handicap tag in a non-handicap spot. She believed that I had to park only in handicap spots.

My grandmother always believed whenever we saw rain clouds in the distance she would be upset(being a farmer's wife) because she thought the clouds were sucking the water out of the ground.

“Informed people don’t make better decisions than uninformed people. That’s a myth.” He wasn’t joking.

In my sex ed class in high school, we had an assignment where we had to name all the parts of the male genitalia and this one girl said (with a nasty attitude, might I add) “men don’t have bladders!”

That I’m stupid for checking reviews on products before ordering them.

I was in a high school history class and we were talking about Freud. Our teacher asked if any of us knew what penis envy was. One student who was straight faced and way too confident answered “it’s when one man is jealous of another man’s penis size”. 

“If evolution is true then how did a human man evolve perfectly to match a human woman.”

“If evolution was real, why are there still monkeys?” 

Pigeons are fat because they are pregnant.

An adult told me that the sun isn’t a star.

My buddy said he’s topped his Mazda Miata at 240mph. I made sure to clarify it was mph and not kph.

Someone told me you could get to Hawaii by boat in 20 minutes because it’s right off the coast of California. I think he was looking at one of those maps that had Alaska and Hawaii in the bottom left corner and thought that’s how it really was.

Was told by someone that Australia doesn’t exist cuz we don’t fit on the flat earth……… we were in Australia.

“This bacon is so raw, I can still hear it mooing!”

*******

They say sniffing Rosemary will improve your memory. 

I sniffed Rosemary once. She hit me.

I don't remember much after that.

As you get older, you've got to stay positive. For example, the other day I fell down the stairs.

Instead of getting upset, I thought, "Wow, that's the fastest I've moved in years!"

Every time you talk to your wife, you should always remind yourself, 'this conversation will be recorded for training and quality purposes.

Policeman: My dog tells me you're on drugs.

Citizen: You're the one with the talking dog!

Imagine, if you will, a people so conflicted that they will scream "all lives matter" while simultaneously refusing to wear a mask to protect all those lives that matter.

Question asked on the internet...

Do twins have the same sized dicks?

Answer...

As a twin, I can say my dick is definitely bigger than my sisters.

JFK Jr. is so embarrassed by these QAnon dipshits that he's decided to stay dead for now.

My mom used to always complain about my history grades. She said she got straight A's.

I said she only had to remember one war.

I shot my first turkey yesterday. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section.