5330 - Saturday jokes

If another woman steals your man, there’s no better revenge than letting her keep him.

When I was young, I was scared of the dark.

Now, when I see my electric bill, I'm scared of the lights.

So I recently moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a house warming party.

Now, I'm homeless.

Went to the grocery store today. Had to pay for food and then prepare and cook it myself.

Zero stars. Would not recommend it.

Just kidding! They have a deli. 

Me: Could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce?

Her: The what?

Me: The Westminster Shore sauce.

Her: Are you having a stroke?

Me: The Warcaster Shiner sauce.

HR person: So tell me a bit about yourself.

Interviewee: I'd rather not. I really need this job.

Every McDonalds should have a flag they fly at half staff when the ice cream machine is broken.

Not to brag, but I just went into another room and remembered why I went in there.

Starbucks is planning on selling beer and wine.

Apparently, it's getting difficult to sell sober people coffee at $12 a cup.

I'll be naming my daughter Pregnant.

When she meets a guy she'll have to say "Hi, I'm Pregnant".

I just found out the neighborhood had a meeting about a crazy person on the block.

I can't figure out why they didn't invite me.

I know the voices aren't real, but man, do they come up with some great ideas.

I have an etch-a-sketch memory.

Whenever I shake my head, I forget everything.

Don't believe what you see in the cartoons.

No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won't stick to someone's face.

Don't ask me how I know this.

On Monday they said they knew three horrible facts:

1. Today is not Friday.

2. Tomorrow is not Friday.

3. Even the day after tomorrow is not Friday.

Mr. Retired said, nope you're wrong.

Today is Saturday, tomorrow is Saturday, and every day is Saturday.

Let's have a moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride stationary bikes.

Apparently, this guy at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leapfrog.

I told my son if he didn’t stop screaming in the car the same thing would happen to him that happened to Frank. He wanted to know who Frank was. I said your older brother. He said I don’t have an older brother. I said exactly.

Walmart is giving out free turkeys to anyone that can outrun security.

Me: The internet used to come in through the phone. It made a terrible noise, like robots screaming.

Grandson: Hush Grandpa, take your pills.

I got my daughter a refrigerator for her birthday. 

I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

I was an accountant from the age of 21 until I was sacked for no apparent reason at the age of 30. Total waste of 14 years.

All of your body's cells have been replaced by the end of each 10 year period, so if you reach 70 you've had seven new bodies - yet you say you don't believe in reincarnation.

Katy: I left my job today. I couldn't work for that man after what he said to me.

Pete: What did he say?

"Katy, you're fired."

All I want for Christmas is to be off the extended car warranty call list.

The wife is laying on a front doorstep.

Husband: Come on! You gotta have one more hot flash in you. That third step is still icy.

As soon as you say "My child would never", here they come, nevering like they never nevered before.

I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally.

Remember what the valet who parked your car looks like because we do not have valet parking.

I'm lonely because I got into an argument with the voice in my head today and now we are not talking to each other.

All right autocorrect, I'm getting a bit tired of your shirt.

There are some idiots in this world that always reply "NO" to every question I ask them.

Now tell me...

Are you one of them?

Tomorrow is "National stop making up days day".

Remember when you were 3 or 4 years old and you fell asleep on the couch and woke up in bed? 

I miss teleporting, it never happens to me anymore.

I've been going out with a weather girl. 

I thought it would be nice to date a woman who wasn't right all the time.

Snow in November happens because people decorate for Christmas prematurely.

You know who you are.

STOP IT!

What is the definition of a BBQ? 

A line of men waiting for a haircut.

(barber queue)