Saturday, November 27, 2021

5344 - Saturday jokes

Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?

Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There would be mass confusion.

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates. Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies, "Get out. You're on my side."

Kid: "Dad what's leather made from?"
Dad: "Hide".
Kid: "What?"
Dad: "Hide, a cow's outside".
Kid: "I'm not afraid of a cow."

Why are hospitals always named after dead people? 
How about one that gives people hope? 
Where is the Keith Richards Hospital?

What's the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Wished I was an adult.

Today I asked my class to come up with a pair of terms that share a denotative meaning but whose connotative meanings differ.
One student came up with "butt dial" and "booty call".

I don't know who needs to hear this,
but stop trying to track that package.
It's in God's hands now.

This is a toast to ALL the Karens who are NOT "Karens".

In twenty years when kids ask about the toilet paper shortage,
I'm telling them we had to drag our butts across the lawn, in the snow, uphill both ways.

I'm still afraid to use "spaces in file names" years old.

Some call it multitasking. I call it doing something else while I try to remember what I was doing in the first place.

I just need 8 hours of alone time in the morning and then I'm ready to tackle the day.

Bike for sale?
Yes, it is.
What's the lowest you can go on it?
2 MPH. Anything lower and you'll tip over.

Letter to the editor - Ever since they installed all those big fans on the hill it's become even windier. Whose bright idea was that? I've noticed when they're off, we get a nice calm spell. Please turn them off, at least on weekends.

Due to inflation and food price increases, the 5-second rule has been extended to 10 seconds.

I'm telling my conservative cousin they are making the "Kool-Aid Man" into a "Kool-Aid They" just to watch him melt down.

Professor: You're currently failing your ethics class.
Me: *slides a $20 across the desk* How about now?

Why do we call them olives and not Greece's Pieces?

It's important to get out of the house every once in a while to remind yourself why you don't go out.

Stop, Drop, and Roll was always such a big deal as a kid, I really thought I'd be on fire more than this as an adult.

It seems like the only person who hasn't found a new job in Biden's booming economy is tRUMP.

Today marks 9 months without drinking a drop of ginger ale, Sprite, or any kind of soda or coffee! 9 months without eating bread, cake, or anything sweet. 9 months of eating only vegetables and tofu, no meat whatsoever. The change in my body has been fantastic, I feel great, I lost weight and my way of thinking is very positive... I'm looking to keep this up and go for more. Because I care!... no alcohol, eating healthy and above all, an hour of exercise every day!

From an anonymous 5yo...
There's no school the day after Thanksgiving so everyone can poop.

They call them heated seats because rear defroster was already taken.

The number one reason America never learns from its history is that America never teaches its real history. 

People who work in customer service should be allowed to fight one customer per day.

From the lockdown...

You smell great! What hand sanitizer are you wearing?

Me: This show is boring.
My boss: Again, this is a Zoom meeting.

When this virus is over I still want some of you to stay away from me.

I only eat tacos on days that end in "Y". 

It's not a dad bod, it's a father figure.

A group of engineering professors were invited to fly a plane.
Right after they were comfortably seated, they were informed the plane was built by their students.
All but one got off their seats and headed frantically to the exits in maniacal panic.
The one lone professor that stayed put, calmly in his seat, was asked: "Why did you stay put?"
"I have plenty of confidence in my students. Knowing them, I for a fact can assure you this plane will never even start"

A man wants to deposit money at a Swiss bank.
"How much do you want to deposit?" asks the bank employee.
Whispers the man, "Three million."
"You can speak up," says the bank clerk. "In Switzerland, poverty is not a disgrace."

Your mama is so ugly...
The world faked a virus just to get a mask on her face.

I asked my parachute instructor what happens if it doesn't open.
He said you're jumping to a conclusion.

Tesla founder Elon Musk is originally from South Africa, which is strange.
You’d think he was from mad-at-gas-car.

What's the name of the woman who stands behind the football goal posts?

Pete, the serial flasher was thinking of retiring soon.
But he's decided to stick it out for another year.

I'll admit it, I have a tremendous sex drive.
My girlfriend lives 110 miles away.

Two psychologists are having sex.
After they finish, one says to the other, “It was good for you. How was it for me?”

It was the first night of the newlyweds in their bridal suite and the young husband was staring out the window very intently into the starry night while his young bride was sitting patiently in bed waiting. “Aren’t you coming to bed darling?” she said sexily. ”Not on your life!” he replied. “My mother said this would be the most wonderful night of my life and I’m not going to miss it for anything!”

Why do nurses carry red crayons with them?
Sometimes they have to draw blood.

Don't you just hate that moment when your husband comes into the bedroom, tells a joke, and the guy in the closet starts laughing?


Elephant's Child said...

Smiling (thank you). Not least because I DID go out today and am very glad to be home again.

Mike said...

Sue - I went to the mailbox. So, I was out maybe 2 minutes.

MarkD60 said...

Did you know that nothing starts with "n" and ends in "g"?

Mike said...

Mark - I also know that nothing has 7 letters.

Bilbo said...

Yeah, "multitasking" is right.

jenny_o said...

The "big fans" - LOL
Thanks for all the chuckles :)

Debra She Who Seeks said...

"Get out, you're on my side" HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Lady M said...

Ha - dragging your butt across the snow.

Cloudia said...

Thanks Mike. We needed these. I know I'll revisit. Have a wonderful day my friend

Mike said...

Bill - I multitask constantly.

Jenny - Good to start the day with a chuckle.

Deb - I would not be surprised if that were partially true.

Lady - It may come to that this winter.

Cloudia - Come back soon.

Ole Phat Stu said...

If Americans changed from pounds to kilograms,
your obesity numbers would more than halve!

Mike said...

Stu - There are more anti-metric people than tRUMPers in the US. The only way we will convert is to gradually sneak it in a little at a time. (Which is happening.)

Kathy G said...

None of the Karens I know are 'Karens'.

The United States has been trying to convert to the metric system since I was in elementary school in the 60s.

Mike said...

Kathy - Did you toast them?
Remember when they tried dual speed limit signs, MPH & KPH? They didn't last too long.

Vicky Cahyagi said...

Great article and creative. I followed your blog now. Thx

allenwoodhaven said...

Good laughs! Will be telling the confessional one and the engineers on the student built plane. Thanks!

And all I do is multitask...

Mike said...

VC - I looked at your blog. There is no translation choice for English.

Allen - The confessional one is more true than not.