5359 - Saturday jokes

It's been months since I bought the book "How to scam people online". It still hasn't arrived yet!

I wouldn't last an hour if I had to answer the phone at the business called "Shack of Sit Funiture".

I tried donating blood today. NEVER AGAIN! Too many stupid questions. Who's blood is it? Where did you get it from? Why is it in a bucket?

My favorite outdoor activity is getting packages off the porch and bringing them in.

Camping store sign in December...

Now is the winter of our discount tents.

Two tips for Christmas:

1. Forget the past. You can't change it.

2. Forget the present. I didn't get you one.

Just once I would like to read a warning label that says...

CAUTION:

May cause permanent weight loss,

Head full of hair,

Youthful looks and energy.

SIX without S is nine.

Socialism is the fire department saving your house.

Capitalism is the insurance company denying your claim.

Every day I worry that I'm going to scream "shut the fuck up" out loud instead of in my head.

Cop: You're under arrest.

Me: Why?

Cop: Your dick is halfway out.

Me: It's all the way out.

Cop: ...

Me: ...

Cop: ...

Me: Just put in your report that it was halfway out.

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and long story short, I'm covering for Debbie this weekend.

When you realize how crazy your girlfriend can be...

Her: I didn't find any hair on your shirt!

Him: So?

Her: Who's the bald chick?!!

I'm bored. I think I'll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, then sit there with the reverse lights on.

I'm not so sure about an inner child, but I have an inner idiot that surfaces every once in a while.

I think my wife has started to show signs the first signs of Alzheimer's.

She said she can't remember what she ever saw in me.

Guys, if your woman grabs a knife in an argument, grab a jar of mayonnaise.

Her feminine instinct will kick in and she will just make you a sandwich.

Today my daughter called me "birth person".

I replied, "Yes, financial drain?"

6yo: Dear Santa, this year, please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer.

Sing along... It's beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.

Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things. Going out might help.

Me: I went to the park today.

Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that experience.

Me: *Opens coat* I got this duck.

Why does Black Lives Matter have to answer for looters,

but the NRA doesn't have to answer for school shooters?

Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don't know who Jesus is.

But the day after he dies you have to figure out why lower case t's hurt you now.

I want to see an episode of "undercover boss" with Jesus visiting Joel Olsteen's church.

My son was about four the first time he walked in on my husband and me.

He ran out of the room screaming, "I SAW BUTTS MOVING IN THE DARK!"

The most terrifying moment in life is when the toilet refuses to flush at someone else's house.

I once saw a guy holding up a sign that said, "I love you Stevie", at a Stevie Wonder concert.

Dear Santa, I would like a new birthday suit this year.

My current one is old, wrinkled, and sagging.

The only thing worse than a cold toilet seat, is a warm one.

Manager: Did you call a customer dumb tonight?

Employee: No, I said, "are you dumb"? I was asking him.

Manager: Do you think that was appropriate?

Employee: Very much so.

When people see you laying down with your eyes closed and ask, "are you sleeping?'

Answer with, "No, I'm training to die".

Did you know that garbage men don't get any training?

Apparently, they just pick up things as they go along.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life I can't even get into my own pants.

Pupils at school were asked to write about the harmful effects of oil on fish.

One 11-year old wrote, "When my mom opened a tin of sardines last night it was full of oil and all the sardines were dead."

Putin believes negotiating with the US would be easier if he had a pee-pee tape of Biden.

Some things are better left unsaid. But eventually, I'll have a couple of beers and say them anyway.

I just found a whip, a mask, and handcuffs in mom's bedroom.

I can't believe it. She's a superhero!

Hugh Hefner became a multi-millionaire by staying home in his pajamas.

I'm not having the same results.

Devil: This is the lake of lava that you'll be spending eternity in.

Me: Actually, we're underground so it would be magma.

Devil: You do realize this is why you're here don't you?

If you suspect a stroke or heart attack think F.A.S.T.

F - Facebook announcement with your suspicions.

A - Ask for thoughts and prayers.

S - Search Google for symptoms.

T - Try lavender oils.

Maybe if FOX News had raked the ground around the Christmas tree it wouldn't have caught fire.

"Oh my God" is a great expression because if you remove any of the three words, it has the same meaning, just in a different tone.

I still don't know what I'm wearing to the living room on New Year's Eve.

I might not even go.